Lesson I’ve Learned From My Past Relationships

I was thinking about my past relationships earlier and to be honest, i’m glad they didn’t work out. I’ve had a lot of boyfriends in my past. Like everyone else, the relationship was good at first ; we had an amazing time together, lot of fun and laughs. Time passes and future together indeed looks horrible. I’ve been cheated, I’ve been played and I’ve been ghosted by someone i trusted the most too. I will be honest, it hurt. It hurt big time. But it’s true that time heals. As time goes by and we reflect our own experience, we start to put things into perspective and realize important things ; the things that truly matter. Many believe that past relationships are sign of failure or time we wasted with the wrong person but the truth is, it help us to find the right person. So, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

In my twenty eight years on this planet, the following are the lessons I’ve learned from what I’ve been through in my past relationships:

Be Independent. Let your partner do their own thing and don’t be too clingy or needy. Remember to look out for each other because it show that both of you care for each other and give each other sense of security. But do not let your partner too comfortable with you being independent and let you do everything alone. We all at some point in our lives, need someone to rely on.

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Don’t change yourself because he wants you to change. You change yourself if you have a good reason to change. Be who you are but at the same time don’t be selfish. Take care of each other’s need.

Don’t let anyone control your life. You are the one who will be affected by the decisions that are made and the outcomes that occur. You can never be truly happy when someone else is in charge of what goes on in your life. Don’t let people around you influence you about your relationship. Only you know what you want in life.

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Communication. No matter how busy you are, you need to make time to talk to your partner. Relationship that lack of communication tend to fail. To me, the word “busy” is often used by assholes. Men are never too busy to get what they want. If they really care, they will always find time for you. Busy is never a valid excuse.

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Patience & learn to compromise. I have a bad temper, i am moody and fragile too. But i always choose to shut my mouth and keep things to myself because i don’t want to hurt him and feel bad about it later. So i need my man to respond calmly. The way he react will automatically change me. I am motivated to behave differently by what he lead.

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If he like to raise his voice, insult or physically hurt you, Leave. I’ve been in this kind of relationship before for 1 year! He was rude and arrogant. He raised his voice and insulted me many times during the relationship. Remember, you cannot change a man’s behavior. They rarely change, and most certainly don’t change for you.

Know your worth.  If you think that’s what you deserve, you are wrong. Someone better is always out there. Your mental health is more important than trying to fix your toxic relationship. Never let anyone treat you like shit. You don’t have to suffer. After all, letting the wrong people into your life will do more damage than good. And stop blaming God for your terrible life choices. A man will only treat you the way u ALLOW him to treat you.

“Destiny is for losers. It’s just a stupid excuses to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen”

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Don’t judge a book by its cover. Just because he looks like a nice guy, pray 5 times daily (for muslim), Never think that he won’t ever do something bad. NEVER. He can be a complete asshole too. This is actually based on my own experience. Kuncinya, jangan samakan solat yang dia buat dengan diri dia as a person.

When you use your money in relationship. Be careful when you want to spend your money on man. There are plenty of cheaters out there who just want to take advantage of you. I don’t trust any guy who let me pay on a first date. It might be old-fashioned, but i highly recommend that you allow man to pay on a first date (and even few more). If he doesn’t do this, it’s a red flag that he’s not generous with his wallet or his heart. And NO, don’t ever think you can change a man who has no ambition and really doesn’t want to work.

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Know about his work. Make sure he has his own career and what he said about his career  is true. This is important for your future if you want to build a family with him. Okay, let me tell you one story – when i was 20th years old, i’ve had a relationship with someone who claimed he is a Co-pilot for Malaysia Airlines. But, my curiosity helped me to find the real answer. He lied about his job, he has another girlfriend and i even googled him and found out that he has criminal record!

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Never co-sign for a man. Co-signing for loans & credit cards with a man you barely know or haven’t known very long is a bad idea. Even it is a bad idea when you do it for close friends or family members. If they stops paying on the bill, their creditors will come looking for you.

If a relationship has to be a secret, don’t be in it. This doesn’t mean you have to announce everything about the relationship on social media, we all have our privacy right? In general, if you have a good things going, you can’t wait for other people to meet him. But if he unwilling to introduce you, at least to the most important person is his life (family & best friends), that is usually a bright, flapping red flag. Date with purpose. Don’t invest time you’ll never get back if you know marriage isn’t the ultimate goal.

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“I Love You”. These 3 words are so special to me. Never trust any guy who said these 3 words too soon. But if you’re already in a serious relationship, and you know you love each other, remind him everyday about how much you love him. Don’t let your partner end his day feeling unwanted.

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Don’t let him think that you can always wait. When you give importance to someone, they think that you’re always free. This remind me of a quote “Let them miss you. Sometimes when you’re always available, they take you for granted because they think you’ll always stay”. Don’t ever let him feel he is more important than you are, even he has more education & better job.

Always look good and clean for your partner! I don’t like people who don’t take care of themselves, Physically. Don’t lie, we all wish to have an attractive partner to spend our life with. If not attractive, at least good looking. But for that, we must look at ourselves,  are we taking care of ourselves? Our hair, body, skin, hygiene & etc. You can always do something to make yourself look good. Just don’t be lazy. Inspire each other to be better.

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Don’t get too close with other man. Same goes to man. Don’t get too close to other woman. You only give a chance to other person to be someone important in your life. They might influence you too. This is not healthy for your relationship.

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Feel lonely when not alone. Loneliness is a good feelings when it is created by our-self . But it is the most worst feelings when it is gifted by the one we love. There is a quote “All relationships have one law, never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re there.”

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Listen to your parents gut instincts. Their instincts are usually right. They can see something you don’t. Thank you ibu ayah! 🙂

If he wants to cheat he will cheat. Cheating is something that you choose to do. It doesn’t matter he lives with you, near you or  far from you. When it comes to a serious relationship, remaining faithful is never an option. It’s a priority. If he really love you, he won’t cheat. If he has done it once, he will do it again. For woman, If you start a relationship being the other woman, you will never be the only woman. Never get involved with someone’s else partner.

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Be prepare for a future heartbreak. I used to believe when i was committed to someone, that person belonged to me. Only me. He will think of me if he wants to do something. I was wrong. People are not possessions. This means you don’t have a claim on the lifestyle choices they make no matter how long you’ve been together. You don’t get to control their behavior, even if it’s obviously not ideal for the relationship. The best thing you can do is to create boundaries from a space of trust.

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Don’t be afraid to be the one who walk away. Time will heals everything. This is true even though you think you can never move on. Trust me, you will thank yourself later in the future

Don’t settle for less. Be fu*king picky. Every time when you’re in a relationship with someone, don’t be too blind to see. You’ll know the good and bad in him. Ask yourself “Is this the guy i want to spend the rest of my life with?”. Don’t stay with someone because you think “it will get better”. Don’t fully commit to a man who won’t commit to you. Remember, being single is better than being in a unhappy relationship.

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So, there’s a moral in here.

People come and go in our lives to teach us something. I’m learning valuable lessons from each man I’ve dated about what i want in a relationship and how i want to show up in one. Each experience making me better. I have also learned what my deal breakers, turn-ons & turn-offs are. Looking back at my past relationship, when it was good, it was really good. I always thought that it was my fault (I’m too dumb and i’m not good enough) when things didn’t work out. But then i realize the only thing that i did wrong, if anything, was to blame myself. My past relationships also taught me to be more selective. Now i prioritize my needs and pay attention to what i feel inside. I know i want something real. Not almost relationship, not sort-of dating, not kind of seeing each other. I know i deserve happiness and won’t settle anything less than being happy and treated with care and respect.

You can call me old-fashioned but i do believe in real love. I want a real love, cant-live-without-each-other kind of love and the things that people call “corny” nowadays like picnics, phone calls, flowers, love letters, poems, love songs, lot of kisses, late night talk and surprise visit, are the things i enjoy the most when i’m in a relationship with someone. I want to get married once, build a family, no divorce and no cheating. Just me & him care for each other til the end.

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After all my past relationship have failed, before i’m in a relationship with my man now, i thought i had lost the capacity for love or even anything close to that. I thought i can’t trust any guy anymore. I thought no one would be able to excite me, make me giggle like a little girl when a text shows up and miss him the moment he’s away. But with my man now, i got to feel the feelings i thought i would never have again. It’s wonderful how every little things became lively and there’s something worth waiting for ahead when i’m with him and all i need to be is patient. And i know, i am exactly where i supposed to be. 🙂

Until then..

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