I must admit, I actually tried to avoid writing this kind of blog post now, but yeah, it’s been some time since I’ve written anything about my emotions, especially about things I try to push far down in my thoughts because I don’t want to remember it. You see, I’m not someone who typically opens up about my emotions with people around me. Instead, I express myself through my writing. It’s where I pour my heart out, where people can find the truth—the good, the bad, and everything in between. If someone is smart enough, they will find some kind of hint or hidden secret in my writing.
My life is good, for the most part. I’ve managed to get my life together and I’m feeling happy, or at least healthier than who I was a couple of years ago. These days, I only focus on doing things that make me happy—spending time with people who lift me up—pursuing my goals, and striving to achieve my dreams, before it’s too late, I guess?
One thing is for sure; I’m no longer the sad person who is full of resentment. I’m just quiet. Very quiet. My life seems to revolve around work, writing, and more work. Even writing, which I love, has become a part of my work. So, basically, I’m working all the time. Some may consider me a boring person living a boring life, but I don’t mind. In fact, I like it. It helps me to avoid unwanted people from entering my life. I don’t need more people in my life. I prefer a quieter life with a smaller circle of close friends who truly understand me.
I’m currently happy being on my own. No matter how much people try to convince me that I’m not a loner, I am a loner. I remember when my ex emailed me last year, during our conversations he mentioned:
“There are some Loner’s out there, I guess, but you are not one of them and I am not as well. But especially you, you are not one, Hani, I refuse to believe that. You are a lover, a giver and you are someone who should be cherished for being who you are, every day. What you did for me during our relationship proofs it.”
Although I try not to bring up my ex, it’s impossible to avoid because he was the major reason for who I am today. I loved him deeply, and most likely to be the last person I ever loved that intensely. Sadly, our relationship brought me to my lowest point and destroyed every part of me leaving me traumatized. The silver lining is that it forced me to re-create or reconstruct myself and start anew, to become a different version of myself. Looking back, I am somewhat grateful for the experience because without it, I doubt I would have learned to love and value myself as much as I do now.
It wasn’t an easy process.
It was a painful journey that took years for me to recover. I made plenty of dumb shit due to my poor mental health and had to learn to purge my resentment, to forgive people.
I remember feeling I no longer had a place in this world, where people like me often end up getting hurt. It was a depressing time, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I even considered ending my life. It wasn’t because of what he did, but rather because I couldn’t bear the thought of existing as a loving person in a world that no longer valued those qualities; where love and vulnerability only led to pain and heartbreak.
There was a time when I held a lot of resentment towards people, especially men, but I’ve come a long way since then. Though my mental health was poor a couple of years ago, with all the negative thoughts that consumed me, I still managed to bounce back and develop a strong capacity to recover. Reflecting on my own journey, I’ve come to realize that sometimes being destroyed is the only way for us to break down the old structures that hold us back—whether it’s beliefs, behaviors, or other factors. From that, we are able to start all over again from scratch and emerge stronger and wiser than ever before.
I am much happier with who I am now.
By this I hope everyone in my life is able to forgive my ex, I don’t want to hear “I’d punch him if I see him” anymore. What’s done is done, and I hold no resentment. I’ve recovered, though not fully, as the thought of what happened still shakes me, but I’ve come a long way in my recovery journey. I have made peace with my ex and I believe that he’s a changed man, and despite what happened in the past, I want him to be happy because everyone deserves happiness.
I’m not saying the new me is all great now, like everyone else, I have my flaws and weakness. However, I truly love who I am now. I prioritize myself and find happiness in being on my own, rather than depending on anyone else for my happiness like I used to. When people ask me when I want to get married, my only response is ‘never’. I don’t believe in marriage and have lost faith in relationships altogether. I’ve seen too many people I know either divorced, have serious marriage problems, or have been cheated on by their husbands. So, what’s the point?
Society often conditions women to believe that they need a man or a husband to find happiness, but my failed relationships taught me otherwise. I realized that my mental health suffered greatly when I was in a relationship. I was deeply unhappy. I often cried myself to sleep feeling like I was not good enough but put on a smile the next day like it was nothing.
So, yeah, those are the reasons why I prefer to be on my own. I know I deserve love, but I’m not willing to take another risk. I’ve had enough. I don’t think anyone could give me the same amount of love and loyalty that I can offer, and I’m not willing to settle for anything less either. I’m too old to deal with another mistreatment. At this point in my life, I just want to live in peace. What my ex did to me was his choice, but how I choose to live my life now, is mine.
What did it cost?
Recreating myself came at a cost—my heart is guarded, and I find it hard to connect with men. It seems like the chances of finding someone special among the 3.97 billion males in the world are slim, and I’m not sure if it’s even what I want. I am content with being on my own. It’s likely that I will remain on my own for the rest of my life. I’ve become more cautious around men and I keep my distance from them too except for two special men whom I greatly love as friends. They’re the only men I trust; Nat, my best friend, and another man who may be familiar to my regular readers. I’ve also become less friendly and more reserved too. I don’t believe in marriage and have lost faith in relationships altogether. Well, in the end, we can’t have everything in life, right? When we gain something, we often lose something else in return. 🙂