Wanderhoney.Com

Happy, but not happier. This is the phrase that keeps floating in my mind when people ask, “How are you feeling?”  Yet my answer is always, “I’m okay.”  I can’t seem to say anything else.

I

am

okay.

But don’t get me wrong—I’m not sad or have any negative feelings. I’m just…okay. It’s like looking at a graph where the line stays flat, neither going up nor down. 

It’s crazy how time flies, kan? Can you believe it’s almost the end of the year? Honestly, I don’t even know what I’ve done this whole year. I used to be someone with goals to tackle, but now I’m just trying to survive. I go to bed at 8:30 PM, wake up for work at 5:30 AM, get back from work at 5:00 PM, watch TV until 8:00 PM, and only scroll through my phone for a total of about 40 minutes a day max. I only go out on weekends for lunch. It’s a boring life, but I guess it’s good since I’m not much of a people person.

That reminds me of a quote from Cillian Murphy: 

“The more boring you are in real life, the less people are interested in you. Sadly, I tell people I have an extraordinarily boring life. It’s actually incredibly exciting!”

Yeah, same Cillian. Same. 

As I get older, I don’t like to interact with people much. I’m really selective about who I choose to engage with, and these days people often notice that what comes out of my mouth can be quite blunt. Everything seems to annoy me easily. Sometimes, looking in the mirror makes me feel like a bitter, grumpy old woman. Yup, don’t trust that smiling photo of me.😂 It’s funny how my life has turned out.

Thinking back to the lockdown during the pandemic, I actually miss that time—it was nice having all that time to myself. I don’t understand why people hated it; for me, it was one of the best experiences of my life. 

The only downside of the lockdown was not being able to travel, especially since, at the time, I was financially able to do so. Instead, I spent that money on online shopping. Yeah, I’m guilty of that too. Not much has changed now—even though there’s no lockdown, I haven’t taken a single leisure trip this year (just work trips).

I miss the beach, truly. I miss the excitement of being in a new place, meeting new people, and trying new foods. I miss being on my own in a foreign country. I miss randomly buying tickets with someone and going on unplanned trips without needing anyone’s permission. I miss not having to wait for anyone. I miss feeling so carefree.

Well, I believe the reason I don’t feel happier than I am right now is that travelling has always been such a big part of my life, and without it, it feels like the energy in my body is at its lowest. In the past, even when I couldn’t fully finance myself, there was always a trip planned for me. I didn’t have to worry much. Now, with heavier commitments and no one to back me up, I’ve lost part of what used to make me feel happier. 

Still, I have hope that there’s a trip waiting for me. 

Okay, enough ranting for today. Those who understand will know the feeling of being happy but not happier. It’s a strange space to be in. I’m grateful for what I have, truly, but sometimes that lingering feeling of wanting a little more sticks with you, and I think that’s okay. So, for now, I’ll keep moving forward, knowing that even in this ‘okay’ state, there’s still room for something more.

Sign out, Hani. ✌