What Heartbreak Taught Me About Loving Myself

I used to believe that love was about giving everything to someone else—your time, your energy, your whole heart. But what happens when you give so much that there’s nothing left for yourself? My failed relationships taught me that love isn’t just about giving; it’s about balance, boundaries, and self-worth. It took heartbreak after heartbreak for me to realize that while I was busy proving my love to others, I forgot to prove it to myself.

Lesson 1: Love starts with yourself

I used to pour all my energy into loving my partner, ignoring my own needs just to keep him happy. Looking back, I realize that love isn’t about sacrificing your self-worth to please someone else. I’ve learned that the love I give to others should start with me.

I should never have lowered my standards to be loved. If a man truly wants me in his life, he’ll rise to meet me where I am. If he thinks I’m “too much,” then he isn’t the one for me. Love shouldn’t feel like a battle to prove my worth; it should feel like a partnership built on mutual respect and effort.

Lesson 2: The little things matter

In the beginning, relationships always feel magical—sweet texts, frequent calls, thoughtful gestures. But I’ve noticed how easily those small things fade over time. And yet, those little things matter the most to me.

I’ve learned that my mental health is just as important as the relationship itself. I need consistency, not empty promises or fading attention. A man who values me will continue to make me feel cherished, even after the initial spark. The right person will understand that love isn’t just a grand gesture; it’s in the daily effort to make each other feel valued and secure.

Lesson 3: Loyalty is non-negotiable

I am loyal by nature—loyal to a fault, even. But loyalty without reciprocity is a dangerous game. I’ve experienced the heartbreak of being cheated on, even by someone who wasn’t on my level emotionally or mentally.

That experience taught me the importance of shared values. Physical attraction fades, but maturity, stability, humour, and a sense of peace are what truly matter to me. I deserve someone who embodies those qualities and reciprocates my loyalty.

Lesson 4: Communication is key

As an overthinker, I crave daily communication. Simple gestures, like a good morning text or an update during a busy day, mean the world to me. They remind me that I’m important to someone.

One of my biggest takeaways from past relationships is that open communication is the backbone of love. When things get tough, I need a partner who will sit down and talk it out with me. I’ve learned that I can’t settle for someone who avoids hard conversations or dismisses my feelings.

Lesson 5: Actions speak louder than words

I used to believe that if I loved someone enough, they would naturally love me back with the same intensity. But that’s not how it works.

Love has to be mutual, and it shows through actions, not just words. A man who wants me will make the effort. He won’t make excuses, disappear for days, or leave me wondering about his feelings. I’ve stopped chasing people who won’t chase me back, and I’ve learned to let go of relationships that don’t meet my needs.

Lesson 6: I have to prioritize my needs too

I used to keep quiet about my dissatisfaction, bottling up my emotions until I was ready to explode. I’ve learned that it’s okay to express my needs and wants in a relationship.

In the past, I stayed with someone who ignored my feelings and shifted the blame onto me instead of owning his mistakes. I’ve realized that I deserve a partner who listens, understands, and fights for the relationship alongside me.

Lesson 7: My love is precious—and not everyone deserves it

I have so much love to give, and I’ve always been selfless when it comes to relationships. But I’ve also learned that being selfless doesn’t mean allowing myself to be taken advantage of.

I won’t change my loving nature, but I will be more selective about who I give my heart to. Love should be given freely, but only to those who truly deserve it.

Lesson 8: Forgiveness and growth go hand in hand

I’ve also discovered that I have a soft heart. When I’m upset with my partner, I don’t stay angry for long. Life is too short to hold onto grudges, and I value peace and happiness in a relationship above all else.

That said, I’ve learned that forgiveness must be balanced with accountability. I won’t let myself be walked over just because I’m quick to forgive. Relationships are about mutual growth, and I need a partner who’s willing to put in the effort alongside me.

Lesson 9: I’m strong, but I deserve to feel safe too

I love hard, but I’ve also learned when to walk away. I’ll fight for a relationship until there’s nothing left to fight for. And when I’m done, there’s no going back.

I’ve realized that I want a relationship where I feel safe, valued, and loved—not just during the good times but during the hard times too.

Lesson 10: The future is worth waiting for

At this point in my life, I want a partner who sees my worth and is ready to build a future with me. I won’t pressure anyone into marriage or having children, but I need to know we’re heading in the same direction.

I’ve learned to be patient, knowing that the right relationship will come at the right time. Until then, I’ll keep loving myself and staying true to the lessons I’ve learned.

Your Journey, Your Growth

If you’re navigating the aftermath of failed relationships, know that it’s okay to feel lost or heartbroken—it’s part of the healing process. Give yourself grace as you reflect on what those experiences taught you about love and, more importantly, about yourself.

Here are a few tips that might help on your journey:

Reflect and Journal: Writing down your thoughts can help you uncover patterns in your relationships and recognize areas for growth.
Set Healthy Boundaries: Learn to say no to people or situations that compromise your peace and happiness.
Invest in Yourself: Use this time to rediscover your passions, hobbies, and what makes you feel whole.
Seek Support: Surround yourself with friends, family, or a community that uplifts you. Therapy can also be a transformative tool in your healing journey.
Be Patient with Yourself: Growth takes time. Celebrate small victories and remember that healing isn’t linear.

Failed relationships may have hurt me, but they’ve also taught me invaluable lessons. They’ve helped me discover my worth, redefine my standards, and grow into someone who loves herself first. And for that, I’m grateful. If you’re going through the pain of a failed relationship, know this: every setback brings you one step closer to the love you truly deserve—whether that’s with someone else or within yourself.

Don’t rush the healing process. Keep growing, keep learning, and always remember to believe in your worth.

Until then. X, Hani.