Wanderhoney.Com

“Nat, do you ever feel like you deserve something, but life has been so unfair to you?” I asked; my spirit felt broken.

“Sometimes,” he admitted. “But I think, on the whole, life has been unfair in my favour more than it has been against me.”

“What were you thinking about that was unfair?” he asked.

I started typing, “A lot of things. Everything…”

But I deleted it.

Instead, I replied, “I’m feeling a little emotional, maybe because I’m about to have my period.”

Lately, I’ve been under a lot of pressure. My cat Jack has been sick, and my emotions are all over the place. With my period around the corner, it’s like my hormones have taken the chaos dial and cranked it to the max. The timing couldn’t be worse. Worrying about Jack has made it almost impossible to focus on anything else, like writing—something I’ve been struggling to get done since Monday.

Thankfully, I have Nat to talk to every day. Sharing my thoughts with him has been a lifesaver. I’m someone who tends to bottle things up, but daily conversations with him help me release some of that pressure.

It’s comforting to have someone genuinely interested in the little details of my day. Sometimes, our chats are just random nonsense—song lyrics, unsolicited life advice, or hilariously useless suggestions. And honestly, that’s the best part. It makes me laugh and lightens my mood.

“I feel sad. Everything bad that’s ever happened to me comes rushing back. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel unloved, unwanted,” I confessed to Nat.

He responded as most people would: “You’re good enough. You’re loved. You’re wanted.”

I know he meant well, but those words felt… hollow. Maybe it’s my hormones talking, or maybe it’s just me, but I can’t seem to let go of the idea that life has been unfair. I see those who’ve wronged me thriving, while I’m left carrying the scars they inflicted. It’s like I’ve been too kind, too giving, and yet the love I’ve poured out has never returned to me in the way I hoped.

Why does life seem to treat someone like me so unfairly?

Yesterday, I stumbled upon a video that hit me hard. It said:

“We have been told that niceness will get us love, will get us security, will get us belonging, will get us worth. It’s a lie. The more nice you are and avoid conflict, the more you deny that you are being violated. At the end of many years of being nice, you actually die—in your spirit.”

She’s right. That’s exactly how I feel. Little by little, I’m dying inside. My interest in the world is fading. I’m trying to fight off bitterness and hate, but it’s like swimming against a tidal wave. After everything I’ve been through, I chose solitude over risking more hurt. I’m disappointed in people, in life, in everything. I withdraw because I believe everyone will eventually hurt me. And I can’t—I won’t—allow myself to be hurt again.

That said, a darker part of me wants to see those who hurt me suffer. I’ve heard that if you repeat something enough, you can manifest it. So I keep repeating it.

Of course, most people would tell me to let go of this negativity. But I’ve had enough of generic life advice. What I really need is someone willing to sit with me in the dark—to hold my hand until I’m ready to find the light again.

Nat gets that. He’s not trying to fix me. He just listens. And sometimes, that’s enough.

I guess Keanu Reave is right after all.

“If you ever notice, the people who often end up alone are those who love too much, care too much, and are too gentle and kind.”

Maybe that’s my fate. Or maybe it’s just my PMS talking. Who knows? By tomorrow, I might read this and think, What the hell did I just write? But for now, this is how I feel.

And that’s okay.

X, Hani.