Views Today : 23
Views Last 30 days : 2586
I’ve always felt like I’m one of those people who has bad luck in love. Like many, the relationship starts off great—fun times, laughter, and memories—but then things start to fall apart. Over the years, I’ve been cheated on, played, and ghosted by someone I thought I could trust. To be honest, it hurts. It hurts a lot but time does heal all wounds.
Many people believe that past relationships aren’t failures; instead, these failures lead us to the right person. So, when we finally meet that ‘person’, we will truly understand how to appreciate that gift.
In my 28 years of life, here are some of the valuable lessons I’ve learned from my past relationships:
1. Be independent.
Let your partner have their space to do their own thing. Don’t be clingy or needy. At the same time, support each other and provide a sense of security. However, don’t let your partner get too comfortable with you being independent to the point where you do everything alone.
Everyone at some point needs someone to rely on.
2. Don’t change for someone else.
Don’t change who you are just because someone wants you to. Be true to yourself, but also remember that being considerate and caring for each other’s needs is essential. Don’t be selfish.
3. Don’t let anyone control your life.
You’re the one who has to live with the decisions you make, so don’t let anyone else dictate your life. You can’t be truly happy with that. Only you truly know what you want in life. Pursue it.
4. Communication is key.
No matter how busy you are, make time to talk to your partner. A relationship that lacks communication is more likely to fail. “I’m too busy” is just a lame excuse, in my opinion. Men are never too busy to pursue what they want. If they care about you, they’ll make time for you. “Too busy” is never a valid excuse.
5. Patience and learn to compromise.
My temper is pretty bad; I get angry quickly. A person like me needs a partner who can respond calmly. His reaction to situations helps guide how I behave. I’m motivated to change my reactions based on how he handles things.
6. If he raises his voice, insults, or physically hurts you—leave.
I once dated a man who was rude and arrogant, raising his voice and insulting me many times. Remember, you can’t change a man’s behaviour. They rarely change, and they certainly don’t change for you.
7. Know your worth.
Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat you with respect. Your mental health is more important than trying to fix a toxic relationship. Never allow anyone to treat you poorly. Letting the wrong people into your life will do more harm than good, and stop blaming God for your bad choices. A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.
8. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Just because he looks good, prays regularly, or seems perfect on the outside and claims they’d never hurt you doesn’t mean they won’t. Never make that assumption. They can still be a complete jerk.
9. Know About His Career.
Make sure he has a stable career, and verify that what he says about his job is true. This is crucial for your future, especially if you want to build a family with him. When I was 21, I dated someone who claimed to be a co-pilot for Malaysia Airlines. My curiosity led me to discover that he was lying about his job. He had another girlfriend and even a criminal record! Always trust your instincts.
10. Never co-sign for a man.
Co-signing for loans or credit cards with a man you barely know or haven’t known long is a bad idea. Even doing this for close friends or family is risky. If they stop paying their bills, the creditors will come after you.
11. If the relationship has to be a secret, don’t be in it.
This doesn’t mean you have to broadcast everything on social media. Everyone deserves privacy. However, if you’re in a good relationship, you’ll want to introduce your partner to the people you care about. If he’s unwilling to introduce you to his family or closest friends, that’s a red flag. Date with purpose—don’t invest time in a relationship unless you’re both on the same page about the future.
12. “I Love You” shouldn’t come too soon.
Be careful when someone says “I love you” too early—it can sometimes be a way to manipulate or rush things. Unless you’re in a serious relationship and you know you love each other, remind him every day how much you love him. Don’t let him end his day feeling unwanted.
13. Don’t let him think you’ll always wait.
When you’re always available, they can start to take you for granted. This reminds me of the saying, “Let them miss you.” Sometimes, when you’re always available, they don’t appreciate you because they think you’ll always stay. Never let him feel more important than you, even if he has a better job or education.
14. Always look after yourself.
Never neglect physical well-being. We all wish for an attractive partner to spend our lives with. If they’re not conventionally attractive, at least they should be presentable. Always look after ourselves—our hair, body, skin, hygiene, etc. Don’t be lazy; inspire each other to be better.
15. Don’t get too close to other men.
The same applies to men: don’t get too close to other women. This creates unnecessary opportunities for someone else to become important in your life. It could even influence your feelings. This is unhealthy for your relationship.
16. Don’t make your partner feel alone.
Loneliness is a good feeling when it’s self-imposed. But it’s the worst kind of loneliness when it’s caused by the one you love. There’s a quote:
“All relationships have one law—never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re there.”
17. If he wants to cheat, he will.
Cheating is a choice. It doesn’t matter if he lives with you, near you, or far from you. In a committed relationship, remaining faithful should be a priority, not an option. If he truly loves you, he won’t cheat. If he does it once, he will do it again. And ladies, if you start a relationship as the other woman, you’ll never be the only woman. Never get involved with someone who’s already taken.
18. Be prepared for future heartbreak.
I used to believe that if I was committed to someone, they belonged to me—only me. I was wrong. People are not possessions. You don’t have control over their choices, no matter how long you’ve been together. The best thing you can do is establish boundaries based on trust.
19. Don’t be afraid to walk away.
Sometimes, leaving is the best decision. Even if you think you can never move on, you will be thankful in the future for making that choice.
20. Don’t settle for less.
Be Picky. Every time you’re in a relationship, don’t ignore the red flags. You’ll know the good and bad in him. Ask yourself, “Is this the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with?” Don’t stay with someone because you think things will get better. Don’t commit to a man who won’t commit to you. Remember, being single is better than being in an unhappy relationship.
There’s a moral here.
People come and go in our lives to teach us something. I’m learning valuable lessons from each man I’ve dated, helping me understand what I want in a relationship and how I want to show up in one. Every experience has shaped me into a better woman, revealing my deal-breakers, turn-ons, and turn-offs.
Looking back at my past relationship, when it was good, it was really good. I always thought it was my fault when things didn’t work out. But now I realize the only mistake I made was blaming myself. My past relationships have taught me to be more selective. Now, I prioritize my needs and listen to my inner voice. I know I want something real—not an almost relationship, not a casual fling, not kind of dating. I know I deserve happiness, and I won’t settle for anything less than being treated with love and respect.
You can call me old-fashioned, but I do believe in real love. I want real love—a can’t-live-without-each-other kind of love. The things that some people call “corny” today—picnics, phone calls, flowers, love letters, poems, love songs, kisses, late-night talks, and surprise visits—are the things I enjoy most when I’m in a relationship. I want to get married once, build a family, avoid divorce and cheating—just me and him, caring for each other until the end.
Until then… I’ll be waiting for the love that’s worth it.
X, Hani.
