I used to be the type of person who stayed friends with most of my exes. Not because I was clinging to the past, but simply because I saw no reason not to.
To be honest, when I was younger, especially in my 20s, I wasnât even sure if I was serious about most of those relationshipsâI was still figuring myself out, you know? Thankfully, most of the breakups were mutual and happened at the right time. Sure, there were some hurtful moments, but nothing so unforgivable that we couldnât maintain a positive friendship after things ended.
When Your Ex Becomes Your Best FriendÂ
The ex I was closest to was someone I had a long-distance relationship with for 2.5 years. We had a strong bond, and honestly, I do miss him sometimesânot in a romantic way, but because we shared a deep friendship. Even when I moved on and entered a new relationship, he was still there for me, offering support while I dealt with a toxic situation that was tanking my mental health.Â
I can genuinely say heâs a great person, and I have no resentment toward him. If anything, I take full responsibility for why our relationship didnât workâit was a mix of distance and compatibility.
But hereâs where things got complicated.Â
Ex-Boyfriend vs. Boyfriend: A Recipe for ConflictÂ
The person I was dating at the time? Yeah, he wasnât thrilled about my friendship with my ex.
Looking back, I get it. If the roles were reversed, Iâd probably feel uneasy too. But at that time, I didnât see the issue. I kept thinking:
âIf he trusted me enough, why should it bother him?â đ€·ââïž
Now that Iâm older (and hopefully wiser), I see the bigger picture. It wasnât just about trustâit was about respect. My ex may have been just a friend to me, but his presence in my life made my then-boyfriend uncomfortable, and that mattered. While thereâs nothing inherently wrong with staying friends with an ex, itâs important to balance that with the boundaries of your current relationship.
The Problem with Staying Close to an ExÂ
Letâs be realâkeeping an ex in your life, especially as a close friend, can create friction in your current relationship. Not necessarily because you have lingering feelings, but because your partner might worry about what once was (or what could be rekindled). It can bring up insecurities, jealousy, and sometimes even trust issues.
Sometimes, even when we tell ourselves itâs just friendship, there could be unresolved emotions lurking beneath the surface. Maybe one of you secretly hopes for another shot. Maybe youâre holding onto an old connection for comfort. Itâs something worth reflecting on.Â
Setting Boundaries: The Key to a Healthy RelationshipÂ
Itâs natural to have fond memories and want to keep things amicable with an ex. But when youâre in a new relationship, you have to ask yourself:
“Is this friendship serving me, or is it causing unnecessary tension?”
Healthy relationships thrive on mutual understanding and respect. If your partner is uncomfortable with your ex still being in the picture, itâs worth considering whether keeping that connection is really necessary. A mature ex will respect your decision to create boundaries for the sake of your current relationship.
And if they donât? Well, thatâs a red flag đ© right there.
Speaking from experience, most of the people Iâve datedâwhether serious or notâstill follow me on social media, but thatâs where it ends. The one I was closest to? He cut off contact, and I respect that decision completely. It makes senseâheâs in a new relationship, and his priority should be his partnerâs comfort, just as mine should be in my own relationship.
Sure, some of them will still send the occasional âHappy Birthdayâ or âHappy New Year” text, and thatâs fine. Itâs a polite, distant acknowledgment, nothing more. But constant texting, calls, deep conversations, or even a meet-up? Nope. Thatâs where it crosses a line.
Ask Yourself: Is It Really Just Friendship?Â
Before you fight to keep an ex in your life, take a moment for some honest self-reflection.
Is your friendship truly 100% platonic, or is there a lingering emotional attachment?
Are you holding onto them as a safety net?
Would you be okay if your partner had the same kind of friendship with their ex?Â
Being honest with yourself is crucial. It helps you navigate the situation with integrity and ensures your actions align with the kind of relationship you truly want.Â
Prioritize the Present, Not the PastÂ
Navigating friendships with exes is tricky. It takes a lot of self-awareness, communication, and, most importantly, respect for your current partner. If your partner isnât comfortable with it, you need to decide what matters moreâyour past connection or your present relationship.Â
At this stage in my life, Iâm no longer a fan of staying close with exes. So, if my partner were to have a close friendship with his exâespecially if sheâs still reaching out and discussing personal mattersâI wouldnât be okay with it. Itâs one thing to follow each other on social media and exchange the occasional greeting, but anything beyond that? Hard pass.Â
At the end of the day, relationships should bring peace, not unnecessary stress. So yeah, keeping close friendships with an ex? đ©Thatâs a big NO for me. Iâm not sacrificing my emotional well-being for someone elseâs comfort. Period.
X, Hani.Â
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