Can You Really Have Close Friendships With Your Exes?

I used to be the type of person who stayed friends with most of my exes. Not because I was clinging to the past, but simply because I saw no reason not to.

To be honest, when I was younger, especially in my 20s, I wasn’t even sure if I was serious about most of those relationships—I was still figuring myself out, you know? Thankfully, most of the breakups were mutual and happened at the right time. Sure, there were some hurtful moments, but nothing so unforgivable that we couldn’t maintain a positive friendship after things ended.

When Your Ex Becomes Your Best Friend

The ex I was closest to was someone I had a long-distance relationship with for 2.5 years. We had a strong bond, and honestly, I do miss him sometimes—not in a romantic way, but because we shared a deep friendship. Even when I moved on and entered a new relationship, he was still there for me, offering support while I dealt with a toxic situation that was tanking my mental health.

I can genuinely say he’s a great person, and I have no resentment toward him. If anything, I take full responsibility for why our relationship didn’t work—it was a mix of distance and compatibility.

But here’s where things got complicated.

Ex-Boyfriend vs. Boyfriend: A Recipe for Conflict

The person I was dating at the time? Yeah, he wasn’t thrilled about my friendship with my ex.

Looking back, I get it. If the roles were reversed, I’d probably feel uneasy too. But at that time, I didn’t see the issue. I kept thinking:

“If he trusted me enough, why should it bother him?” 🤷‍♀️

Now that I’m older (and hopefully wiser), I see the bigger picture. It wasn’t just about trust—it was about respect. My ex may have been just a friend to me, but his presence in my life made my then-boyfriend uncomfortable, and that mattered. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with staying friends with an ex, it’s important to balance that with the boundaries of your current relationship.

The Problem with Staying Close to an Ex

Let’s be real—keeping an ex in your life, especially as a close friend, can create friction in your current relationship. Not necessarily because you have lingering feelings, but because your partner might worry about what once was (or what could be rekindled). It can bring up insecurities, jealousy, and sometimes even trust issues.

Sometimes, even when we tell ourselves it’s just friendship, there could be unresolved emotions lurking beneath the surface. Maybe one of you secretly hopes for another shot. Maybe you’re holding onto an old connection for comfort. It’s something worth reflecting on.

Setting Boundaries: The Key to a Healthy Relationship

It’s natural to have fond memories and want to keep things amicable with an ex. But when you’re in a new relationship, you have to ask yourself:

“Is this friendship serving me, or is it causing unnecessary tension?”

Healthy relationships thrive on mutual understanding and respect. If your partner is uncomfortable with your ex still being in the picture, it’s worth considering whether keeping that connection is really necessary. A mature ex will respect your decision to create boundaries for the sake of your current relationship.

And if they don’t? Well, that’s a red flag 🚩 right there.

Speaking from experience, most of the people I’ve dated—whether serious or not—still follow me on social media, but that’s where it ends. The one I was closest to? He cut off contact, and I respect that decision completely. It makes sense—he’s in a new relationship, and his priority should be his partner’s comfort, just as mine should be in my own relationship.

Sure, some of them will still send the occasional “Happy Birthday” or “Happy New Year” text, and that’s fine. It’s a polite, distant acknowledgment, nothing more. But constant texting, calls, deep conversations, or even a meet-up? Nope. That’s where it crosses a line.

Ask Yourself: Is It Really Just Friendship?

Before you fight to keep an ex in your life, take a moment for some honest self-reflection.

Is your friendship truly 100% platonic, or is there a lingering emotional attachment?

Are you holding onto them as a safety net?

Would you be okay if your partner had the same kind of friendship with their ex?

Being honest with yourself is crucial. It helps you navigate the situation with integrity and ensures your actions align with the kind of relationship you truly want.

Prioritize the Present, Not the Past

Navigating friendships with exes is tricky. It takes a lot of self-awareness, communication, and, most importantly, respect for your current partner. If your partner isn’t comfortable with it, you need to decide what matters more—your past connection or your present relationship.

At this stage in my life, I’m no longer a fan of staying close with exes. So, if my partner were to have a close friendship with his ex—especially if she’s still reaching out and discussing personal matters—I wouldn’t be okay with it. It’s one thing to follow each other on social media and exchange the occasional greeting, but anything beyond that? Hard pass.

At the end of the day, relationships should bring peace, not unnecessary stress. So yeah, keeping close friendships with an ex? 🚩That’s a big NO for me. I’m not sacrificing my emotional well-being for someone else’s comfort. Period.

X, Hani.