Wanderhoney.com

“Sayang, I feel sorry for myself when I look back at my photos from 2019. It’s sad to think how much sadness was hidden behind that smile,” I told my partner.

“You are a very strong woman, indeed. I don’t think I could have survived as you did, and yes, your old self deserves a big hug for staying strong and enduring all those hardships alone,” he replied.

That night, I cried myself to sleep.

People say, “Time heals all wounds.”

But…

Time never healed me.

Time only softened the pain. Time taught me to keep going, living my life while carrying all the broken pieces of myself and the wounds that come with them—wounds that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.

If my trauma were visible as scars, you’d see my body covered in them—ugly, permanent marks I can never get rid of. Even after all these years, the pain still comes back from time to time, affecting me to this day.

My mind raced with thoughts for 3 hours as I sat on the train back to my hometown recently. At the time, I wasn’t on good terms with my partner, but one fact I cannot deny is that he loves me.

And I love him too. I truly do. 

But why does it feel different?

I feel different.

I am different.

Everything is different.

I’ve changed.

My love for someone isn’t the same as it once was.

I find it easier to run away, to drop everything without the will to fight—not because I don’t want him, but because I’m tired of dealing with emotions. I no longer have the kind of love that would push me to fight for a relationship. It feels like the strength of a relationship now depends solely on my partner. 

So many feelings are mixed up inside me, but the worst part is, I don’t even believe in myself anymore.

“Where did it all go wrong?”

I’ve tried my best to be a good woman and a good partner, and I’m still trying, but somehow, it doesn’t feel like enough.

Something is missing, though I can’t quite figure out what it is. 

I don’t have all the answers, but one thing I know for sure—when my previous relationship ended 5 years ago, the love I had in me left with him. It wasn’t just heartbreak; it felt like a part of my soul disappeared too, and it has never come back. I haven’t been able to love anyone the same way since. That depth, that intensity—it’s just not there anymore. 

Now my current partner is only getting what’s left of me. He has to bear so much from the scars I’m carrying. The question now is, can he handle me?

I can only hope he has the patience to hold our relationship together, even through its toughest moments, because without it, I fear the relationship won’t survive. His love needs to be greater than mine. If he can show me the same depth and intensity I once had, it might help me reconnect with who I used to be.

It’s not fair to him, I know.

But maybe, just maybe, his love will be enough to help me find what’s missing….

X, Hani. 

Coffee helps me write. Support helps me shine. 🥰