About a month ago, someone I knew passed away from a heart attack. For months before that, he had been on medical leave, in and out of the hospital. I’m not entirely sure what illness he was battling—we weren’t very close—but a friend of mine was. Through this friend, I learned about some of the challenges and experiences he faced during his five-year marriage.

Some stories were heavy. Some were painful. Some were shocking. But hidden in each one is a lesson we all need to hear: marriage can become deeply damaging when compassion is replaced by ego, when rights are demanded but responsibilities are neglected.

I am not writing this to humiliate anyone. I am writing because there is a lesson here—about marriage, about character, and about how we treat our spouses, in-laws, and the families we become part of. I think sometimes we need to talk about real things—not just the beautiful, curated parts of life.

✅ Marriage Is a Responsibility, Not Just Love

Being married is a commitment. It is not just about love. Love is the easy part in the beginning. Marriage is about responsibility, sacrifice, and choosing the same person again and again when life becomes uncomfortable. That is actually one of the reasons why I have chosen not to get married yet. It is not because I do not believe in it, but because I know how heavy it is. It requires full commitment. It means stepping into a new life, expanding families, and allowing your entire world to change. I am simply not ready for it. Marriage is not something you enter halfway and treat casually. It is a responsibility in front of God, in front of family, and in front of your own conscience.

What this man went through during his marriage was beyond anything I thought could happen in real life. We usually see extreme situations in television dramas—manipulation, emotional games, and constant conflict—but seeing it unfold in real life, affecting real people, hits differently. It was heartbreaking to learn about the way he was being treated in his own marriage. It is mind-blowing. Moments like this remind us that emotional harm can cut even deeper than physical harm; constant emotional pressure, humiliation, and conflict can quietly erode a person from the inside, little by little, until there is barely anything left.

✅ Far From Reality

There is one part that still disturbs me deeply. On the very day he passed away, during the day, his wife came home to collect important documents for a divorce. Yet she showed no concern. No checking on how he was doing. It was as if he didn’t exist. He was a man who, even in his weakest state, allowed his wife to say whatever she wanted. He did not lash out. He did not respond with harsh words. He forgave more than most people would. Yet that same day, he was being pushed for a divorce—while he was still alive, still fighting physically, still a husband.

Then later that night, when he passed away, everything shifted. Suddenly, there were tears. Suddenly, there was public crying. If you only saw that moment, you would believe it completely. And that is what makes it so painful—when private behavior and public performance do not match. Grief is sacred; it should never look rehearsed. It should be honest, raw, and born from real care. But in this case, it felt like a show, a performance meant to be seen, not a reflection of reality.

✅ Character and Integrity

I’m not speaking from assumptions or speculation. I’m speaking from what I witnessed with my own eyes—messages, conversations, and interactions that left me stunned. The way words were used. The accusations. The disrespect. There were moments when his mother—her mother-in-law—was accused of things that were beyond logic. Entire family lineages were unfairly attacked, all to protect her sense of control, to hide her own actions, and to shift blame onto others.

Religion was quoted, yet mercy was missing.
And when religion becomes a weapon to justify harshness instead of a guide toward compassion, something has gone terribly wrong.

After he passed away, social media became another chapter of the story. Posts appeared expressing love, devotion, and heartbreak—painting a picture of a loving wife grieving her husband. And maybe some people believed it. Maybe many did. But it was shocking how easily the story could shift, making past pain, disrespect, or even the divorce proceedings seem as if they never happened. When parts of the truth came out, certain family members were suddenly portrayed online as trying to shame her and her late husband. It’s surprising how people sometimes twist situations to protect themselves, even at the expense of how others are seen.

✅ Understanding the Human Tendency to Perform

I don’t even know the scientific or psychological term for this kind of person. But here’s what I will say: there are people in this world who know how to perform. They know how to cry at the right moment. They know how to speak softly when eyes are watching. They know how to position themselves as victims, even when the full story is far more complicated. And yes, these kinds of people exist. Not just women. Not just men. People. It is a character issue, not a gender issue. 

Before they got married, there were already whispers. There were red flags that some people noticed. The rush. The urgency. The pressure. But we all know something about love—when someone is in love, logic often loses. People can advise you, warn you, and even show you concerns, but the heart does not always listen. And so they got married.

Marriage, however, reveals everything. It reveals character. It reveals patience. It reveals ego. It reveals whether someone truly understands what partnership means. When he fell ill and could no longer function as he once did, the situation became even more complicated. Illness changes dynamics. Financial stability becomes uncertain. Emotions become fragile. And in moments like that, you see whether a spouse chooses compassion or pressure.

✅ The Wife’s Role in Marriage

Being a wife is not easy. Being a woman in general is not easy. I understand that deeply. Especially when a husband cannot provide the kind of life you imagined. We grow up with expectations. In Islam, we are taught that a man is the provider and protector. He is responsible for the financial stability of his household, and his wife is a major priority. I know these teachings.

But religion also teaches mercy. It teaches kindness. It teaches respect. It teaches that even in conflict, we should speak with dignity, avoid harsh words, and act with empathy—understanding the feelings and perspectives of others.

Wives are encouraged to be cooperative, fair, and gentle while also being strong in managing household responsibilities, nurturing children, and supporting the spiritual and emotional well-being of the family.

As a wife, you also have your own roles, guided by love and empathy. Marriage is a partnership—something you both build together. It is not only about your needs or desires. You can remind your husband of his responsibilities, but that does not mean your own responsibilities disappear. 

✅ Respect, Dignity, and Compassion

So yes, a husband is not someone you can insult or speak harshly to whenever you feel like it. Even outside of marriage, basic manners tell us not to degrade another human being. How much more careful should we be with the person we once promised to love? Even if love fades, respect should not disappear. If you are unhappy, there are ways to address it. If you are struggling, there are ways to communicate it. If you want out, there is a dignified way to leave. But cruelty should never be normalized.

One of the saddest things I witnessed in this whole situation was how easily marriage can turn into a transaction. When love becomes about money, lifestyle, and status, it loses its soul. When someone says, “If you cannot give me this, I will go to someone who will,” the relationship shifts from partnership to negotiation. And negotiation does not survive illness very well. When someone is already physically weak, emotional pressure can become unbearable.

I cannot share every detail, and honestly, I do not need to. The point of this post is not the drama. The point is the lesson. When you love someone, you naturally want to protect them. You want to speak gently to them. You want to make their burdens lighter, not heavier. If the person you called your husband becomes sick, that is when your compassion should grow, not shrink. If the person you once promised forever to becomes financially unstable, that is when teamwork should increase, not resentment.

Remember the marriage promise?

“I promise to stand by you through thick and thin, in joy and in hardship, with patience, love, and respect.”

✅ Lessons to Carry Forward

We cannot control everything in life. We cannot control illness. We cannot control sudden death. But we can control how we treat people while they are still alive.

Life is short.
A healthy young man can be here today and gone tomorrow.
Pride, ego, harsh words—none of it matters when someone is no longer here.

What remains is how we treated them.
What remains is whether we showed mercy or cruelty.
What remains is whether we chose kindness when it was hardest.

If there is one thing I want anyone reading this to take away, it is this: marriage is not about winning. It is not about proving a point. It is not about demanding perfection. It is about building safety for each other. It is about being a soft place to land when the world becomes hard. And if we cannot offer that, we should at least offer respect.

May we all learn to treat our partners with dignity. May we learn that empathy is not weakness. May we understand that real strength is in patience and self-control. And may we never wait until someone is gone to realize that kindness would have cost us nothing—but meant everything.

—Choose your partner wisely.
Auri Duham 🌻