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Views Last 30 days : 4180I spent the majority of my life being skinny. As a teenager, my weight never exceeded 48 kg, and it stayed that way until my mid-20s. It felt like my body had found a permanent setting at that number. Despite being underweight by BMI standards, I was perfectly healthy—I ate well, was active, and maintained a balanced lifestyle.
Things started to change in my late 20s when I began to gain weight gradually. By the time I reached 52 kg, my weight froze again for a few years. Even then, my BMI still classified me as underweight.
The Constant Criticism for Being Skinny
Despite being perfectly fine with my body, people around me weren’t. I often heard comments like,
“You look too skinny!” or “Are you sick?”
I was happy with how I looked, but constant comments like that made me feel otherwise. Wanting to fit the image people expected of me, I decided to try a weight-gain supplement.
By my early 30s, I had successfully reached 62 kg. The people who once called me ‘too skinny’ started praising me
“You look so much better now!” they said.
The Weight Loss That Changed Everything
Then came 2019—a terrible year marked by a toxic relationship that drained me emotionally and mentally. In just 8 months, I lost 6 kg. After the relationship ended, I dropped another 4 kg. Within a year, I had lost 10 kg, bringing me back to 52 kg.
That breakup took more than just my weight. It left scars deeper than I realized. My body had reflected the emotional turmoil I was going through, and for the first time, I saw weight loss as something more than just a physical change—it was a symptom of my mental and emotional well-being.
A Two-Year Reset During Lockdown
Then the world hit pause.
Somehow, the lockdown happened at the most perfect time. I desperately needed space—space to think, to heal, to rebuild myself without outside noise and to reflect deeply on various aspects of my life. I wanted less of everything: less work, less stress, less human interaction, and less of what this world had to offer. It truly felt like I had a divine intervention on my side during that time as if the universe said:
“Alright, Hani, I’ll make up for what happened to you by unleashing a global pandemic as punishment for everyone. You have exactly two years to pick yourself back up and get your life back on track.”
During that period, I engaged in a lot of self-reflection to gain a deeper understanding of myself. I faced hard truths, accepted both my good and bad choices, and made peace with who I was. While I may not be entirely pleased with certain revelations about myself or some of the negative actions I took, I can at least say that I have come to terms with everything there is to know about who I am.
Physically, I also focused on regaining my weight. By incorporating yoga, running, and meditation into my routine, my body started changing again. With the extra time I had during the lockdown, I ate more, which led me to gain weight—surpassing 62 kg. My frame became fuller, my body developed curves, and people seemed even happier with my appearance.
Personally, I wasn’t particularly thrilled about the changes; however, since I could still fit into a size S, they had minimal impact on me. I didn’t really think much about it at the time.
The Weight Gain That Made Everyone Happy—Except Me
Then something shifted.
For the first time, I outgrew my clothes. My size changed from an S to an M, and I could no longer fit into any of my size S outfits. That’s when I started panicking—I became extremely anxious.
Hearing “You’ve gained weight!” felt like a bullet to my chest. It didn’t matter if it was meant as a compliment; I’d rather no one say anything at all.
I met everyone’s expectations when I gained weight; as they saw it, I appeared a lot healthier and looked better when I had curves.
“Maintain your body just like this,” they said.
But here’s what they didn’t know—deep down, mentally…
I’m battling the thought that I’m fat.
The Internal Struggle
I never understood how someone could look in the mirror and see a different version of themselves—until it happened to me.
I used to wonder, “How can people believe they’re fat when they’re not?”
Back then, I couldn’t understand how people could be anorexic or have eating disorders.
Now I do. It’s all in the mind. It’s something you don’t fully grasp until you experience it yourself and it should never be mocked.
Lately, I’ve been checking my reflection more than usual, and each time, I feel disappointed. Stepping on the scale has become an obsession—I make sure my weight only goes down, never up. I limit myself to one meal a day, drinking water to suppress hunger. I’ve gone days consuming nothing but water. I even started buying fewer groceries, so I have less food in my kitchen and eat less.
I now realize how much fear I have of getting fat. I miss how I used to look when I was skinny.
Then, just a day ago, I caught myself typing: ‘How to become bulimic.’
That’s when I realized how bad this had gotten.
The Irony of It All
When I was skinny, people weren’t happy—they constantly told me I looked sick. I was too thin. “
You should eat more,” they said.
“You don’t look healthy.”
But I was healthy. I ate well. I was active. I felt good in my own skin. Yet, no matter how content I was, the world around me insisted I was lacking—too little, too small, too not enough.
Then I gained weight. My body filled out. My face looked fuller. My curves became more defined. Suddenly, the comments changed.
“You look so much better now!” they said.
“This suits you more.” “
Maintain this body—it’s perfect.”.
And just like that, I had met their expectations.
What they don’t see is that beneath the surface, I’ve never felt more uncomfortable in my own body. I feel like a stranger to myself, battling thoughts I never used to have. I’m the most unhappy I’ve ever been in my own body.
And isn’t that ironic?
The moment I finally fit society’s standards, I stopped feeling like myself.
X, Hani.
