It’s the end of 2025, and for the first time in a long while, I’m not rushing to label my year as good or bad. I’m just sitting with it. Letting it breathe. Letting me breathe.

If I’m being honest, 2025 was kind of amazing.

Not the happiest year of my life—nothing has topped 2018–2019, and I’ve made peace with that. Those years will always live in my heart like a warm memory I return to when I need comfort. But this year feels different. I’m different. 

Quieter. Softer. Wiser.

As I write this, I realize I might be the wisest version of myself I’ve ever been.

Getting older does that to you. It softens you. You stop chasing noise. You stop proving things. You stop needing answers right away. You become more selective—about people, about experiences, about what truly matters. You start choosing peace like it’s a daily ritual. You only want what nourishes your soul—things that don’t drain you afterward. You make decisions based on what makes you happy… not out of pity, guilt, or obligation.

And somehow, without even realizing it, you become calmer. More grounded. Less reactive.

I’m not sure if this happens to everyone, but at least that’s what happened to me.

Time passed insanely fast. Almost unfairly fast.

Looking back, I can say this was a solid year. A grounding year. A year that held me quietly instead of shaking me. The kind you don’t fully appreciate until you sit down and really look at it. 

A couple of years ago, I was obsessed with lists to keep myself on track—bucket lists, to-do lists, you name it. Every year, I’d write down all the things I had to experience before I got “too old.” I was scared of time. Scared of wasting it. Scared of waking up one day and realizing I never really lived.

I love experiences. I always have. I love collecting moments more than things. So the lists felt like a challenge, like proof that I was doing life right. I even tried turning it into a project and sharing it with a few good friends, but life happened. Like most things that involve other people and too many commitments, it slowly disappeared—folded away as something I no longer needed.

But in letting it go, I realized something important: I didn’t lose control of my life. I gained even more trust in myself and in the path I’m on.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped planning my life so tightly. I became more spontaneous. More impulsive—in a good way. Now, if I want to do something, I just do it. No list. No pressure. No timeline. Just a simple question:

Do I want this?

If the answer is YES… no second thoughts, no hesitation.

That mindset led me to the thing I’m most proud of in 2025—something I still can’t fully believe: my 2-week solo trip across 4 countries. I planned that trip just one month before leaving.

Well… out of anger, actually. 😂

My partner had another trip planned. I got upset—maybe a little dramatic—and instead of staying stuck in that feeling, I booked my own trip. Sometimes life nudges you forward through emotion, and that push can turn into motivation. And that was exactly the case for me. Hehe.

What was supposed to be a winter trip ended earlier than expected, but I’m so glad I made that decision. I hadn’t traveled abroad in a long time, and I needed it more than I realized. I needed a reminder of who I truly am, what I’m capable of, and that I can always rely on myself to feel happy and alive.

The solo trip stands as my biggest achievement of 2025: proof that putting myself first will never fail me, even when things don’t go as planned.

While 2025 has been a year of personal growth and memorable moments, work has been a different story.

The job itself is okay. My accountant is a wonderful person, and my boss—honestly—I couldn’t ask for better. No major complaints. Compared to my previous workplace, it’s an improvement—but the environment, the people… I don’t quite fit in, and that’s been hard. But don’t get me wrong… nothing is wrong with anyone; it’s just that I don’t really feel like I belong. I don’t enjoy being at work beyond what’s necessary. 

When it comes to connections, I do miss my old coworker from my time at Fisheries. But at the end of the day, work isn’t everything—my personal life is far more interesting. So I try not to get too involved in anything work-related, because I know it tends to make me feel a little… depressed. 😂

Still, I’m grateful for that one coworker—the one who happens to share the same name as me, Hani—someone who made my time at work so much more bearable. She’s kind, genuine, and someone I trust. Even though she’s not here permanently, I secretly hope she stays—at least for another year or two, until I decide it’s time for my next chapter.

Outside of work, life feels steadier. Looking at my relationship now, I see that same steadiness—even though we’ve broken up a few times over some issues (and maybe a bit of drama) 😂 In 2026, we’ll be entering our third year together. 

No marriage plans. No big announcements. Not because the topic never comes up, but because I’m not ready—and I don’t think he is either. And even if he were, I’m not sure I want it—not yet. Not for another 3 or 4 years.

After 2019, something in me changed. I don’t believe in happy endings the way I used to, and marriage isn’t a dream I’m holding onto anymore. I don’t fully see the purpose of it right now. Maybe that will change—or maybe it won’t. Who knows? But if you ask me today, the answer is still no.

All I know is that my partner is a good man. He loves me. He tries. He shows up in the ways that matter. And for now, that’s enough.

Not being married at this point? That’s just one of many things I’m completely at peace with. Marriage shouldn’t come from pressure, fear, or the need to keep up. It comes from being ready for responsibility, commitment, and having the stability I need… emotionally and financially.

Love alone isn’t enough.

Until I reach that place, I’m perfectly okay where I am.

Being a millennial, getting older feels strange. It’s like time froze somewhere between 2019 and 2023 because of the pandemic—and suddenly, I realize I’ll be almost 40 in a few years. How did that happen? In my head, I’m still the age I was in 2019, like life paused there and forgot to press play again. It makes me laugh. And sometimes, it makes me sad.

I miss people.

I miss friendships that once felt permanent.

I miss Nathan, even though we never met—he was a good friend who inspired me with my writing. I miss Shima too. Despite everything, I miss the chemistry, the feeling of having a best friend. I miss the friendship I had with Nazrin and Arif back in 2018. I miss John, who once sent me a bouquet of roses for my birthday all the way from England; that friendship faded so quietly, it still surprises me. I miss Koen too—the person who was there when I was at my worst, mentally, emotionally, and even physically in 2020. 

But life happens.

People enter our lives for seasons, for lessons, for chapters. Some are meant to stay, and some are meant to go—teaching us what we deserve, and what we don’t. Looking back, I realize now that each person left a mark, shaping me, guiding me, and showing me where I went wrong, where I lingered too long, and where I gave my love too freely. And in that, I find understanding, growth, gratitude—and readiness for what’s next.

Through all of that, I’m insanely grateful for Bono. I could never lose that motherfu*ker. 😂 The only person I can talk to about anything without shame, guilt, or filters. Truly the best human in my life, who’s been there through the chaos, the laughter, the tears, and all the nonsense since 2021. I love him genuinely, in the purest friendship way.

Going into the new year, I don’t want to carry any anger, bitterness, or heavy feelings—well… unless someone really asks for it. 😂 I want to focus on what feeds my soul, what challenges me to grow, and what makes me genuinely happy.

Writing this is my way of letting things go—of forgiving people for what they did to hurt me, and forgiving myself for reacting with anger or frustration when I didn’t know better, while also offering my apologies to anyone I may have hurt along the way. I’m releasing what wasn’t meant for me, embracing what is, finding gratitude in what I have, and moving forward with the courage and determination to go after what I truly want.

I hope 2026 brings even more growth, more achievements, and more moments that make me proud. I hope to continue surrounding myself with people who uplift me, challenge me, and remind me of my worth. I hope I’m protected from negativity, from ill intentions, and from the energy that doesn’t serve me. Most of all, I hope I continue to trust myself—to trust my choices, my instincts, and the path I’m carving for my life… and to be more present with my family.

To everyone who stayed, believed in me, supported me, listened to me ramble, and loved me even when I was annoying—thank you. Truly.

Thank you for being part of my story.

With less fear, more trust, and a softer heart, here’s to closing this chapter gently—and stepping into the next one boldly, fully, and unapologetically.

Happy New Year!! ✨🥳🎈🍾

—Auri Duham 🌸

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