I’ve always felt like one of those people who just doesn’t have the best luck in love. You know how it goes—everything starts off beautifully. The butterflies. The late-night calls. The kind of laughter that makes your cheeks hurt. It all feels like something out of a romantic movie… until it doesn’t.
Eventually, things begin to unravel. The sweet texts fade, the effort disappears, and the person you once thought you could trust breaks your heart in ways you never saw coming. I’ve been there. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, and ghosted—each experience leaving a scar that took time to heal.
And while it hurt deeply, one thing became clear with time: healing doesn’t happen all at once, but it does happen. Slowly, you find yourself laughing again. Breathing a little easier. Learning to love yourself—and love again.
They say failed relationships aren’t really failures—they’re lessons in disguise. They guide us, teach us, and shape us. Each one brings us closer to understanding what we need, what we deserve, and the kind of love we won’t settle for again.
Now, at 28, I look back not with regret, but with gratitude. Because every heartbreak taught me something. And these are the most important lessons I’ve learned—lessons that reshaped me, challenged me, and ultimately helped me grow into someone who knows her worth.
1. Be Independent, But Don’t Lose Connection
Let your partner have their space to do their own thing. Don’t be clingy or needy. At the same time, support each other and provide a sense of security. However, don’t let your partner get too comfortable with you being independent to the point where you do everything alone. Balance is key. Give each other room to breathe, but also be there—genuinely present—for one another.
Everyone at some point needs someone they can lean on from time to time.
2. Never Change Just to Please Someone
Compromise is important, but changing your personality, values, or dreams to fit into someone else’s expectations? That’s a big no. Stay true to who you are. The right person will accept you, not try to reshape you.
3. Don’t Let Anyone Control Your Life
It’s your life. Your choices. Your happiness. If someone constantly tries to dictate how you live, that’s not love—that’s control. You were not made to live by someone else’s script. Follow your own path.
4. Communication Isn’t Optional—It’s Essential
No matter how busy you are, make time to talk to your partner. A relationship that lacks communication is more likely to fail. “I’m too busy” is just an excuse. Men are never too busy to pursue what they want. If they care about you, they’ll make time for you. “Too busy” is never a valid excuse.
5. Learn to Be Patient & Compromise
I’ll admit—I have a temper. I can get frustrated quickly. But being with someone calm taught me to slow down, to pause before reacting. The right partner doesn’t just put up with your flaws—they help you become better.
6. If He Yells, Insults, or Lays a Hand on You—Leave
Please don’t ignore the red flags. I dated someone who constantly raised his voice and put me down. I kept hoping he’d change. He didn’t. And most of them don’t. Love should never make you feel small, scared, or unsafe.
7. Know Your Worth
Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat you with respect. Your mental health is more important than trying to fix a toxic relationship. Never allow anyone to treat you poorly. Letting the wrong people into your life will do more harm than good, and stop blaming God for your bad choices. A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.
8. Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover
Just because someone looks good on paper—handsome, religious, successful—doesn’t mean they’re good for your heart. Don’t fall for appearances or sweet talk. People can be charming and still leave scars.
9. Be Curious About His Life—Including His Job
I once dated someone who claimed to be a co-pilot for Malaysia Airlines. Turns out, it was all lies—he had a criminal record and another girlfriend. Always trust your gut. Ask questions. Pay attention to the red flags you want to ignore.
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10. Never Co-Sign for a Man
I don’t care how in love you are—do not co-sign loans, credit cards, or financial documents for someone you barely know (or even someone you think you do). Protect yourself financially. Love shouldn’t cost your credit score.
11. If The Relationship Has To Be a Secret, Don’t Be In It
This doesn’t mean you have to broadcast everything on social media. Everyone deserves privacy. It’s healthy. However, secrecy is toxic. If you’re in a good relationship, you’ll want to introduce your partner to the people you care about. If he’s unwilling to introduce you to his family or closest friends, that’s a red flag. Date with a purpose—don’t invest time in a relationship unless you’re both on the same page about the future.
12. “I Love You” Shouldn’t Come Too Soon
Be careful when someone says “I love you” too early—it can sometimes be a way to manipulate or rush things. Unless you’re in a serious relationship and you know you love each other, remind him every day how much you love him. Don’t let him end his day feeling unwanted.
13. Don’t Be Too Available
When you’re always available, they can start to take you for granted. This reminds me of the saying, “Let them miss you.” Sometimes, when you’re always available, they don’t appreciate you because they think you’ll always stay. Never let him feel more important than you, even if he has a better job or education. You’re not a second option, a backup plan, or a convenience. Know your value.
14. Take Care of Yourself
Never neglect physical well-being. We all wish for an attractive partner to spend our lives with. If they’re not conventionally attractive, at least they should be presentable. Always look after ourselves—our hair, body, skin, hygiene, etc. Don’t be lazy; inspire each other to be better.
15. Don’t Get Too Close to the Opposite Sex
Emotional affairs start subtly. Respect your relationship. Keep healthy boundaries. Don’t create unnecessary opportunities for someone else to become important in your life. When someone else starts making you feel things your partner should, that’s a red flag.
16. Never Make Your Partner Feel Lonely
The worst kind of loneliness is being with someone who makes you feel alone. Show up. Be present. Love loudly. No one should feel abandoned in the relationship they’re committed to. There’s a quote:
“All relationships have one law—never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re there.”
17. If He Wants to Cheat, He Will
Cheating isn’t an accident—it’s a choice. It doesn’t matter if he lives with you, near you, or far from you. In a committed relationship, remaining faithful should be a priority, not an option. If he truly loves you, he won’t cheat. If he does it once, he will do it again. And ladies, if you start a relationship as the other woman, you’ll never be the only woman. Never get involved with someone who’s already taken.
18. Be Prepared For Future Heartbreak
I used to believe that if I was committed to someone, they belonged to me—only me. I was wrong. Just because someone is “yours” doesn’t mean you own them. They’re not obligated to stay. Love is about trust, not control. Set boundaries, but never try to cage someone in.
19. Don’t Be Afraid to Walk Away
Sometimes, leaving is the best decision. Even if you think you can never move on, you will be thankful in the future for making that choice.
20. Don’t Settle For Less
Be picky. Every time you’re in a relationship, don’t ignore the red flags. You’ll know the good and bad in him. Ask yourself, “Is this the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with?” Don’t stay with someone because you think things will get better. Don’t commit to a man who won’t commit to you. Remember, being single is better than being in an unhappy relationship.
There’s a moral here
People come and go in our lives to teach us something. I’m learning valuable lessons from each man I’ve dated, helping me understand what I want in a relationship and how I want to show up in one. Every experience has shaped me into a better woman, revealing my deal-breakers, turn-ons, and turn-offs.
Looking back at my past relationship, when it was good, it was really good. I always thought it was my fault when things didn’t work out. But now I realize the only mistake I made was blaming myself. My past relationships have taught me to be more selective. Now, I prioritize my needs and listen to my inner voice. I know I want something real, not an almost relationship, not a casual fling, not kind-of-dating. I know I deserve happiness, and I won’t settle for anything less than being treated with love and respect.
You can call me old-fashioned, but I do believe in real love. I want real love—a can’t-live-without-each-other kind of love. The things that some people call “corny” today—picnics, phone calls, flowers, love letters, poems, love songs, kisses, late-night talks, and surprise visits—are the things I enjoy most when I’m in a relationship. I want to get married once, build a family, avoid divorce and cheating—just me and him, caring for each other until the end.Â
Until then… I’ll be waiting for the love that’s worth it.
With love,
Hani đź’Ś
Coffee helps me write. Support helps me shine. 🥰
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