
Iâve always felt like one of those people who just doesnât have the best luck in love. You know how it goesâeverything starts off beautifully. The butterflies. The late-night calls. The kind of laughter that makes your cheeks hurt. It all feels like something out of a romantic movie⊠until it doesnât.
Eventually, things begin to unravel. The sweet texts fade, the effort disappears, and the person you once thought you could trust breaks your heart in ways you never saw coming. Iâve been there. Iâve been lied to, cheated on, and ghostedâeach experience leaving a scar that took time to heal.
And while it hurt deeply, one thing became clear with time: healing doesnât happen all at once, but it does happen. Slowly, you find yourself laughing again. Breathing a little easier. Learning to love yourselfâand love again.
They say failed relationships arenât really failuresâtheyâre lessons in disguise. They guide us, teach us, and shape us. Each one brings us closer to understanding what we need, what we deserve, and the kind of love we wonât settle for again.
Now, at 28, I look back not with regret, but with gratitude. Because every heartbreak taught me something. And these are the most important lessons Iâve learnedâlessons that reshaped me, challenged me, and ultimately helped me grow into someone who knows her worth.
1. Be Independent, But Donât Lose Connection
Let your partner have their space to do their own thing. Donât be clingy or needy. At the same time, support each other and provide a sense of security. However, donât let your partner get too comfortable with you being independent to the point where you do everything alone. Balance is key. Give each other room to breathe, but also be thereâgenuinely presentâfor one another.
Everyone at some point needs someone they can lean on from time to time.
2. Never Change Just to Please Someone
Compromise is important, but changing your personality, values, or dreams to fit into someone elseâs expectations? Thatâs a big no. Stay true to who you are. The right person will accept you, not try to reshape you.
3. Donât Let Anyone Control Your Life
Itâs your life. Your choices. Your happiness. If someone constantly tries to dictate how you live, thatâs not loveâthatâs control. You were not made to live by someone elseâs script. Follow your own path.
4. Communication Isnât OptionalâItâs Essential
No matter how busy you are, make time to talk to your partner. A relationship that lacks communication is more likely to fail. âIâm too busyâ is just an excuse. Men are never too busy to pursue what they want. If they care about you, theyâll make time for you. âToo busyâ is never a valid excuse.
5. Learn to Be Patient & Compromise
Iâll admitâI have a temper. I can get frustrated quickly. But being with someone calm taught me to slow down, to pause before reacting. The right partner doesnât just put up with your flawsâthey help you become better.
6. If He Yells, Insults, or Lays a Hand on YouâLeave
Please donât ignore the red flags. I dated someone who constantly raised his voice and put me down. I kept hoping heâd change. He didnât. And most of them donât. Love should never make you feel small, scared, or unsafe.
7. Know Your Worth
Donât settle for someone who doesnât treat you with respect. Your mental health is more important than trying to fix a toxic relationship. Never allow anyone to treat you poorly. Letting the wrong people into your life will do more harm than good, and stop blaming God for your bad choices. A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.
8. Donât Judge a Book by Its Cover
Just because someone looks good on paperâhandsome, religious, successfulâdoesnât mean theyâre good for your heart. Donât fall for appearances or sweet talk. People can be charming and still leave scars.
9. Be Curious About His LifeâIncluding His Job
I once dated someone who claimed to be a co-pilot for Malaysia Airlines. Turns out, it was all liesâhe had a criminal record and another girlfriend. Always trust your gut. Ask questions. Pay attention to the red flags you want to ignore.
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10. Never Co-Sign for a Man
I donât care how in love you areâdo not co-sign loans, credit cards, or financial documents for someone you barely know (or even someone you think you do). Protect yourself financially. Love shouldnât cost your credit score.
11. If The Relationship Has To Be a Secret, Donât Be In It
This doesnât mean you have to broadcast everything on social media. Everyone deserves privacy. It’s healthy. However, secrecy is toxic. If youâre in a good relationship, youâll want to introduce your partner to the people you care about. If heâs unwilling to introduce you to his family or closest friends, thatâs a red flag. Date with a purposeâdonât invest time in a relationship unless youâre both on the same page about the future.
12. âI Love Youâ Shouldnât Come Too Soon
Be careful when someone says âI love youâ too earlyâit can sometimes be a way to manipulate or rush things. Unless youâre in a serious relationship and you know you love each other, remind him every day how much you love him. Donât let him end his day feeling unwanted.
13. Donât Be Too Available
When youâre always available, they can start to take you for granted. This reminds me of the saying, âLet them miss you.â Sometimes, when youâre always available, they donât appreciate you because they think youâll always stay. Never let him feel more important than you, even if he has a better job or education. Youâre not a second option, a backup plan, or a convenience. Know your value.
14. Take Care of Yourself
Never neglect physical well-being. We all wish for an attractive partner to spend our lives with. If theyâre not conventionally attractive, at least they should be presentable. Always look after ourselvesâour hair, body, skin, hygiene, etc. Donât be lazy; inspire each other to be better.
15. Donât Get Too Close to the Opposite Sex
Emotional affairs start subtly. Respect your relationship. Keep healthy boundaries. Don’t create unnecessary opportunities for someone else to become important in your life. When someone else starts making you feel things your partner should, thatâs a red flag.
16. Never Make Your Partner Feel Lonely
The worst kind of loneliness is being with someone who makes you feel alone. Show up. Be present. Love loudly. No one should feel abandoned in the relationship theyâre committed to. Thereâs a quote:
âAll relationships have one lawânever make the one you love feel alone, especially when youâre there.â
17. If He Wants to Cheat, He Will
Cheating isnât an accidentâitâs a choice. It doesnât matter if he lives with you, near you, or far from you. In a committed relationship, remaining faithful should be a priority, not an option. If he truly loves you, he wonât cheat. If he does it once, he will do it again. And ladies, if you start a relationship as the other woman, youâll never be the only woman. Never get involved with someone whoâs already taken.
18. Be Prepared For Future Heartbreak
I used to believe that if I was committed to someone, they belonged to meâonly me. I was wrong. Just because someone is âyoursâ doesnât mean you own them. Theyâre not obligated to stay. Love is about trust, not control. Set boundaries, but never try to cage someone in.
19. Donât Be Afraid to Walk Away
Sometimes, leaving is the best decision. Even if you think you can never move on, you will be thankful in the future for making that choice.
20. Donât Settle For Less
Be picky. Every time youâre in a relationship, donât ignore the red flags. Youâll know the good and bad in him. Ask yourself, âIs this the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with?â Donât stay with someone because you think things will get better. Donât commit to a man who wonât commit to you. Remember, being single is better than being in an unhappy relationship.
Thereâs a moral here
People come and go in our lives to teach us something. Iâm learning valuable lessons from each man Iâve dated, helping me understand what I want in a relationship and how I want to show up in one. Every experience has shaped me into a better woman, revealing my deal-breakers, turn-ons, and turn-offs.
Looking back at my past relationship, when it was good, it was really good. I always thought it was my fault when things didnât work out. But now I realize the only mistake I made was blaming myself. My past relationships have taught me to be more selective. Now, I prioritize my needs and listen to my inner voice. I know I want something real, not an almost relationship, not a casual fling, not kind-of-dating. I know I deserve happiness, and I wonât settle for anything less than being treated with love and respect.
You can call me old-fashioned, but I do believe in real love. I want real loveâa can’t-live-without-each-other kind of love. The things that some people call âcornyâ todayâpicnics, phone calls, flowers, love letters, poems, love songs, kisses, late-night talks, and surprise visitsâare the things I enjoy most when I’m in a relationship. I want to get married once, build a family, avoid divorce and cheatingâjust me and him, caring for each other until the end.Â
Until then… Iâll be waiting for the love thatâs worth it.
With love,
Hani đ
Coffee helps me write. Support helps me shine. đ„°
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