I’ve always felt like one of those people who just don’t have the best luck in love. You know how it goes. Everything starts off beautifully. The butterflies. The late-night calls. The kind of laughter that makes your cheeks hurt. It all feels like something out of a romantic movie… until it doesn’t.
Eventually, things begin to unravel. The sweet texts fade, the effort disappears, and the person you once thought you could trust breaks your heart in ways you never saw coming. I’ve been there. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, and ghosted, with each experience leaving a scar that took time to heal.
It hurt deeply, but one thing became clear with time: healing doesn’t happen all at once, but it does happen. Slowly, you find yourself laughing again. Breathing a little easier. Learning to love yourself and, eventually, learning how to open your heart again.
People often say failed relationships aren’t really failures. They’re lessons in disguise. Each one brings us closer to understanding what we need, what we deserve, and the kind of relationship we no longer want to settle for.
Looking back now, I don’t see my past relationships with regret. I see them with a little more understanding. Every heartbreak taught me something. Every disappointment showed me something about myself. These are some of the most important lessons I’ve learned, lessons that reshaped me, challenged me, and ultimately helped me grow into someone who knows her worth.
1. Be Independent, But Don’t Lose Connection
Let your partner have their own space and the freedom to do their own thing. You don’t have to be together every minute of every day.
At the same time, independence shouldn’t mean doing everything alone. A healthy relationship should still feel like a partnership. Support each other. Be there for each other. Give each other room to breathe while still making each other feel safe, valued, and cared for.
Balance is key.
Everyone needs someone they can lean on from time to time.
2. Never Change Just to Please Someone
Compromise is important in any relationship, but changing your personality, values, or dreams just to fit into someone else’s expectations is another story.
Stay true to who you are. Grow because you want to grow, not because someone is trying to turn you into the person they want.
The right person should appreciate who you are while encouraging you to become an even better version of yourself.
3. Don’t Let Anyone Control Your Life
It’s your life. Your choices. Your happiness.
A partner can have an opinion, but they shouldn’t dictate how you dress, who you see, where you go, or what you do. If someone constantly tries to control your choices, that isn’t care. It’s control.
You were not made to live according to someone else’s script. Have your own life, your own opinions, your own goals, and your own identity outside of the relationship.
4. Communication Isn’t Optional, It’s Essential
No matter how busy you are, make time to talk to your partner.
A relationship without communication can quickly become a relationship full of assumptions, misunderstandings, and resentment. Being busy is understandable. Consistently making no time for the person you’re in a relationship with is different.
People make time for what matters to them. Communication doesn’t always require hours of conversation. Sometimes, it’s simply checking in, asking how their day went, or having an honest conversation when something feels wrong.
If something is bothering you, talk about it. If you need something, say it. If you’re unhappy, don’t expect your partner to read your mind.
5. Learn to Be Patient & Compromise
I’ll admit, I have a temper. I can get frustrated quickly.
Being with someone calm taught me to slow down and pause before reacting. I learned that not every disagreement needs to become a fight and not every frustrating moment needs an immediate reaction.
Compromise is part of being in a relationship. You won’t always agree, and you won’t always get your way.
The right partner doesn’t just put up with your flaws. They can also help you see the parts of yourself that need work, just as you should be willing to do the same for them.
6. If He Yells, Insults, or Lays a Hand on You, Leave
Please don’t ignore the red flags.
I dated someone who constantly raised his voice and put me down. I kept hoping he would change. He didn’t.
No relationship is worth sacrificing your sense of safety or self-respect. Someone who insults you, intimidates you, threatens you, or physically hurts you is showing you something important about who they are.
Love should never make you feel small, scared, or unsafe.
7. Know Your Worth
Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t treat you with respect.
Your emotional well-being is more important than trying to fix a relationship that keeps hurting you. You cannot love someone into becoming a better person, and you cannot force someone to treat you well.
Notice how someone makes you feel consistently, not just during the good moments.
Never allow someone’s treatment of you to become your definition of your own worth. Pay attention to how someone treats you, especially when things aren’t going their way. Respect yourself enough to recognize when something is hurting you rather than helping you grow.
8. Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover
Just because someone looks good on paper, perhaps they’re handsome, religious, successful, charming, or well-educated, doesn’t mean they’re good for your heart.
Don’t fall for appearances or sweet talk alone. A person can say all the right things and still have completely different intentions.
Pay attention to character: how they treat people when they have nothing to gain and how they behave when things don’t go their way.
People can be charming and still leave scars.
9. Be Curious About His Life, Including His Job
I once dated someone who claimed to be a co-pilot for Malaysia Airlines. Turns out, it was all lies. He had a criminal record and another girlfriend.
That experience taught me not to take everything someone tells me at face value, especially in the early stages of dating.
Ask questions. Be curious. Get to know the person behind the stories they tell you.
Trust your gut when something doesn’t add up. You don’t have to accuse someone of anything, but you also don’t have to ignore your instincts just because you like them.
10. Never Co-Sign for a Man
I don’t care how in love you are. Think very carefully before putting your name on a loan, credit card, financial agreement, or any other financial commitment for someone else.
Protect yourself financially.
Love and money can become complicated very quickly, especially when a relationship ends. You can care deeply about someone and still have financial boundaries.
Never put your financial future at risk just to prove that you trust someone.
Love shouldn’t cost you your financial security.
11. If The Relationship Has To Be a Secret, Don’t Be In It
This doesn’t mean you have to broadcast everything on social media. Everyone deserves privacy, and a healthy relationship doesn’t need to be displayed online for everyone to see.
Secrecy is different.
If you’re in a genuine relationship, there should eventually be a place for your partner in each other’s real lives. You should know the people who matter to them, and they should know the people who matter to you.
If someone constantly hides you, refuses to acknowledge the relationship, or keeps you separate from every important part of their life, pay attention.
Date with a purpose. You don’t have to rush into marriage, but you should know if the two of you are heading in the same direction.
12. “I Love You” Shouldn’t Come Too Soon
Be careful when someone says “I love you” very early in a relationship.
Those words can be genuine, but sometimes people use intense declarations of love to rush intimacy, create attachment, or make you overlook things you would normally question.
Take your time.
Let someone’s actions show you who they are. Those three words don’t mean much without consistency, trust, respect, effort, and time.
Once you’re in a serious relationship and you know you love each other, don’t be afraid to say it. Tell your partner how much they mean to you. Never make someone you love constantly wonder if they are wanted.
13. Don’t Be Too Available
There’s a difference between being available for someone you care about and making yourself available at the expense of your own life.
I used to believe that being there for someone all the time was a sign that I cared. I’ve learned that caring about someone doesn’t mean putting your entire life on hold for them.
You don’t need to play games or deliberately make someone miss you. You simply need to have a life of your own.
Never make someone feel more important than yourself, even if they have a better job, more money, or more education.
You are not a second option, a backup plan, or a convenience. Never lose yourself trying to keep someone else.
14. Take Care of Yourself
Take care of yourself, not just for your partner, but for you.
Look after your health, your hygiene, your skin, your hair, your body, and your overall well-being. Staying presentable and taking pride in yourself can make a difference in how you feel about yourself too.
Attraction matters in a relationship, but taking care of yourself shouldn’t become about meeting someone else’s beauty standards.
Keep growing. Keep looking after yourself. Encourage each other to become healthier, happier, and more confident versions of yourselves.
15. Don’t Get Too Close to the Opposite Sex
Emotional affairs can start subtly.
A conversation becomes a daily habit. A friendship becomes a place where you seek comfort. Someone starts knowing things about you that your partner doesn’t. Before you realize it, the boundaries have become blurred.
Respect your relationship by keeping healthy boundaries with other people.
Having friends of the opposite sex isn’t automatically a problem. The problem begins when you create an emotional intimacy with someone else that starts taking the place of what should exist within your relationship.
Protect what you have before you create a situation you cannot undo.
16. Never Make Your Partner Feel Lonely
The worst kind of loneliness is being with someone who makes you feel alone.
Show up. Be present. Listen. Ask questions. Make an effort.
You don’t have to solve every problem your partner has. Sometimes, they simply need to know that someone is beside them.
No one should feel abandoned inside the relationship they’re committed to.
There’s a quote I’ve always liked:
“All relationships have one law: never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re there.”
17. If He Wants to Cheat, He Will
Cheating isn’t something that simply happens. It is a choice.
Distance doesn’t cause someone to cheat. Opportunity doesn’t cause someone to cheat. Being busy doesn’t cause someone to cheat. A person makes a decision to cross a boundary.
A committed relationship requires honesty and loyalty, even when no one is watching.
If someone cheats, don’t convince yourself that it was somehow your fault. Their decision belongs to them.
People can change, but you don’t have to stay around and wait for someone to prove that they can.
If you start a relationship as the other woman, you are already walking into a situation built on dishonesty. Never get involved with someone who is already taken and expect the story to magically become different when they are with you.
18. Be Prepared For Future Heartbreak
I used to believe that if I was committed to someone, they belonged to me, only me.
I was wrong.
Just because someone is “yours” doesn’t mean you own them. They are still their own person, with their own choices and the freedom to decide whether they want to stay.
Love is about trust, not ownership.
Set boundaries, communicate your expectations, and build a relationship based on mutual respect. Never try to control or cage someone into staying.
You can love someone deeply and still accept that they have the freedom to walk away.
19. Don’t Be Afraid to Walk Away
Sometimes, leaving is the best decision you can make.
Walking away doesn’t mean you didn’t love them. It doesn’t mean the relationship meant nothing. It simply means you finally realized that staying was hurting you more than leaving.
Even when you think you will never move on, you will.
One day, you may look back and be grateful that you had the courage to choose yourself.
20. Don’t Settle For Less
Be picky.
Every time you’re in a relationship, pay attention to the red flags. Don’t convince yourself that the things bothering you will magically disappear once you get married or spend more time together.
Ask yourself, “Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?”
Look beyond chemistry. Look at character, values, responsibility, communication, ambition, kindness, emotional maturity, and how they treat you when things aren’t going well.
Don’t stay with someone simply because you’re afraid of starting over. Don’t commit to someone who refuses to commit to you.
Remember, being single is better than being in an unhappy relationship.
There’s a Moral Here
People come and go in our lives, and each relationship can teach us something.
I’ve learned valuable lessons from the people I’ve dated. Some taught me what I want in a relationship. Others taught me what I absolutely do not want. Some showed me the kind of person I want to become, while others showed me the kind of person I never want to be again. They helped me understand my deal-breakers, my boundaries, my needs, my turn-ons, and my turn-offs.
Looking back at my past relationships, I can admit that when things were good, they were really good. For a long time, I always thought it was my fault whenever something didn’t work out. Now, I realize that not every relationship ending means someone has failed.
Sometimes, two people simply aren’t right for each other. Sometimes, you ignore things you shouldn’t have ignored. Sometimes, you stay longer than you should. Sometimes, you learn the lesson only after getting hurt.
My past relationships have taught me to be more selective. I listen to my inner voice now. I pay attention to how I feel. I know what I want, and I’m no longer interested in forcing something just because I’m afraid of losing it.
I want something real.
Not an almost relationship. Not a casual fling. Not a situationship where neither person knows what they’re doing. Not something that only works when everything is convenient.
I want a relationship where two people genuinely choose each other.
You can call me old-fashioned, but I still believe in real love.
I want the kind of love where two people are crazy about each other, but still know how to respect each other’s individuality. I want the things that some people call “corny” today: picnics, phone calls, flowers, love letters, poems, love songs, kisses, late-night talks, surprise visits, thoughtful little gestures, and simply wanting to spend time together.
I want a relationship where we can laugh until our stomachs hurt, talk about everything and nothing, travel together, build a home, support each other’s dreams, and still choose each other when life gets difficult.
I want to get married once. I want to build a family with someone who genuinely wants the same things I do. I want a relationship built on trust, loyalty, respect, friendship, attraction, and commitment.
Most importantly, I want a love that feels safe.
Until then, I’ll be waiting for the love that’s worth it.
With love,
Hani 💌
