The last time I went on a date with myself was probably before Covid, I think? I was single at the time, and I enjoyed it so much.
I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but being single for a long time after spending most of your life dating was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I genuinely encourage people to experience it at least once in their lives.
When you spend that much time alone, you finally get the space to reflect on yourself without outside interference. You learn what you truly want in life and slowly discover different parts of yourself you never noticed before.
So yeah, I’m really glad I gave myself those 4 years. It was one of the best things I did for my younger self, and my mental health became better than ever after that.
I only opened myself up to having a partner again in late 2023. Alhamdulillah, we’re still together, although adapting to a relationship again was difficult at first. So much had changed—the kind of person I choose to date, the way I approach relationships, and even how emotionally mature I’ve become compared to before.
But if I’m being honest, it wasn’t easy for me. I had grown so used to my freedom, and a lot of the beliefs I held about relationships in the past completely changed. We argued a lot in the beginning, even broke up a few times, but somehow we always found our way back and worked things out. He’s also emotionally much more intelligent now compared to our first year together. Maybe he has learned a lot about me over time, and we both slowly adapted to each other.
At this point, I can’t even remember the last time we argued because that’s how peaceful things feel between us now.
Recently, I went out alone and found myself thinking about all of this—about how far I’ve come. I was sitting by myself in a cafe, enjoying my favourite coffee of all time: sea salt caramel latte.
Oh my God…
Have you ever tried any coffee with “sea salt” in it? Because I’m obsessed. Whenever I see “sea salt”, I’m buying it. It’s THAT good.
I ended up sitting there, at Gigi Coffee, for 1.5 hours, enjoying my coffee while reading a book.
I’ve become such a bookworm. Ever since I started studying in February, I’ve been trying to keep my brain active. It’s only May, and I’m proud to say I’ve already read more than 10 books… although some of them were research materials and books related to my studies.
Speaking of studies, my schedule has been ridiculously packed, and I have assignments due in 2 months. Thankfully I got lucky with my study group—everyone knows what they’re doing, which makes everything feel a little less overwhelming. Considering how hard it is for me to connect with people at this stage of life, I’m really glad we all crossed paths and ended up in the same study group.
Studying really feels harder now, but honestly, I think I’d regret it more if I gave up while knowing I’m capable of more in life, and YES, I have so many things I still want to achieve for myself. I am very ambitious, you know! 😂 If Plan A doesn’t work, I’ll move to Plan B, Plan C, and so on. At the same time, I know life changes all the time. So, I’m still open to unexpected opportunities. I don’t want to limit myself too much to a strict 5-year plan.
One thing I do know, though, is that marriage is still not in the books for me.
I’m not really there yet.
That day, I was wearing black straps with a blazer, but the top underneath was a little too low-cut, and I started feeling uncomfortable being alone outside wearing it. Then I saw Good2U, a store I love because they always seem to have sales.
So after finishing my coffee and reading a few chapters of my book, I went in to look for a shirt I could change into. I ended up finding the cutest top for only RM12.90. It even had this tiny bear icon printed on it that completely convinced me to buy it.
The problem was… I saw the M size and thought it looked huge. My entire life, I’ve always worn XS or S, so in my head, I was convinced S would fit me perfectly.
Without hesitation, I bought the S size.
Turns out, I was the delusional one. Hahahaha. 🤣
The S size was way too tight on me, and the M would’ve been perfect. I hated that little delulu moment for myself, but at least now I know I really need to start paying attention to my diet. Plus, I can say my health has been going downhill a little, and aging definitely plays a role in that.
Recently, my doctor prescribed me another inhaler for my asthma that I need to use daily—AM and PM—because my lungs have become really sensitive. Since last year, I’ve been struggling with a cough and wheezing almost every night.
Thankfully, ever since I started using the new inhaler, that tight chest feeling is gone. I still wheeze sometimes, but it’s nowhere near as bad as before. I know there are still many things that can trigger it, like cold weather, dust, and certain foods, but overall, I do feel much better now.
I never thought I’d reach the age where I need to carry an inhaler everywhere I go. It’s basically my lifesaver at this point. 😐
So yes, my diet era has officially begun for so many reasons.
I also need to be more careful with my cholesterol levels because I already know they’re pretty high. Most importantly, I really don’t want to gain weight. Aging has already made me feel a little insecure at times, and I don’t think gaining weight would make things easier mentally.
So now it’s all about exercising more, eating healthier, cutting down on sugar, and maybe reducing my coffee intake too, because I’m starting to suspect it might be contributing to my weight gain.
For lunch that day, I picked YAYOI, a Japanese restaurant, because in my mind, Japanese food automatically equals healthy. Haha
And guess what I ordered?
Tofu.
TOFU!
Something I would never normally choose for myself. But since I’m trying to commit to this diet era, tofu it is… although, I still wish it was fish. 🤣
Anyway, there are still a few things weighing heavily on my mind these days, but I feel really fortunate to have such supportive people around me—my partner, my friends, and even my superior at work. He’s one of the best accountants I’ve ever worked with. I respect him a lot because he genuinely cares about his staff, and that alone makes me appreciate my workplace more.
There was a time when I hated being in the office so much, but since I started working from home more often, it has helped me cope with both my emotions and work in a much healthier way.
The truth is, I actually love my workplace. I just struggle with certain situations, certain people and the unhealthy work culture that affects my emotional well-being. I’m not saying they are toxic people, but sometimes the environment itself becomes toxic for me mentally.
Still, despite everything, I’m grateful for what Allah has blessed me with.
If I could talk to my younger self in her 20s, I would tell her this:
You actually did better than you think. You achieved more than you realize, even in the moments you felt lost. You were still growing, even when it didn’t feel like it. You spent so much time worrying and overthinking, but you were actually okay. You were becoming someone stronger, softer, and more self-aware with every season.
And I’m proud of you. Really proud.
And to myself now, I hope I don’t forget this feeling. I hope I continue choosing myself, even when it’s uncomfortable. I hope I keep healing in ways that aren’t always visible and growing in ways that don’t always feel loud. I hope I don’t rush life, but also don’t stop living it fully.
No matter where life takes me next,
I just want to stay honest with myself and keep finding peace in the little things.
I think that’s enough. 🥰
And I hope it always will be.
Until then,
Auri Duham 🌻
