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A friend who I considered a close friend in my early 20s recently, out of the blue, got in touch with me. Honestly, I was surprised when I received a text message from her. We hadn’t spoken for more than a decade for a reason that I won’t go into detail about here. It’s best to let the past stays in the past. It wasn’t a pleasant story, to even begin with.

I was a bit skeptical at first because, in my experience, people from my past usually reach out to me when they need something from me, but many of them have also reached out to me in an effort to reconnect with me, which is something that I am not a fan of either. I always try not to be so negative or overly cynical about letting people from my past back into my life, but I also don’t sever ties with people just to rekindle them at some point in the future.

Certain people are no longer in my life for a reason. In most cases, it’s because their presence in the past not only brought negative vibes to the table but was also harmful and hurtful to me.

One of my life principles for maintaining good mental health is very simple: once I cut someone out of my life, they are pretty much gone for good. I have no intention of reconnecting with them, either online or in person. I’ll delete their phone numbers and unfollow them on all social media platforms. I’ve no interest in knowing anything about them anymore. I’ll go on with my life, and any trace of them will be entirely removed. Everyone who knows me in person knows how firm I am about my life principles. It’s not something I take lightly. Those who have ghosted me are no exception. If you ghosted me, you ghosted me. Don’t ever come back. If you do, I won’t be as friendly to you as I used to be, regardless of how close we were as friends in the past. 

Listen, I may not have an excellent memory for remembering people from my past, but here’s an interesting fact about me: I have a vivid memory of every bad experience that I’ve had with the people who were responsible for it. I have no problem remembering the names of each and every person who has wronged me. It’s like my brain keeps a list of those names, with certain names (who never apologize) in red, underlined. While I am able to forgive, that does not imply I forget.

When you break a glass, for instance, no matter how hard you try to put it back together, it won’t look the same anymore, right? The cracks will be visible. 

You’re probably thinking at this point, “Hmmm. She is still refusing to let go.”

No. The main reason why I avoid bringing people from my past back into my life is not that I still harbor resentment and hatred for them, but mainly because I know myself well enough to know that it is unfair to them.

Why is it unfair to them? Okay, hear me out.

I believe that people go through many changes throughout their lives and that time can have a significant impact on a person (unless they never learned anything from their life mistakes or maybe they’re just pure shitty human beings), but the majority of us have evolved and grown into better individuals throughout time, and with a healthy mindset, you won’t want to do anything other than strive to be the best version of yourself and live in a way that brings you peace.

Okay, so…

When someone makes an effort to reconnect with me, I believe that they have either changed their minds about me or have evolved as a person—a better person—but here’s the thing: no amount of passing time can undo what they did to me in the past. These memories are like video recordings that will continue to play in my head from time to time, regardless of whether they’ve changed.

• I’ll always remember it. This is not good in any friendship or relationship.
• Trust, once broken, will never be the same. Never. It is seldom that I would go against my instincts and fully trust them again, even if they’ve changed.
• My mind will play tricks on me about them, and I will doubt everything they do.
• I’m sure I’ll bring up what they did to me in the past, whether as a joke or during arguments. 
• I can’t help but be passive-aggressive toward them.

Due to these things, for the sake of each other’s lives, I’d rather they not be a part of mine anymore. I don’t want to treat them unfairly or cause any conflicts. It’s unfair to them if they’ve truly changed. I’m just a human. I’m not perfect. Just because I let go doesn’t mean those memories disappear. If I can reset my brain, I would but unfortunately, the memories will last a lifetime. I mean, I have nothing against them; I simply want both of us to live our lives in peace. What happened in the past belongs there, and so does the person who did it. They belong neither to my present nor my future. 

This is why I try my hardest not to hurt anyone in my life because I am aware of the long-term consequences of doing so. If I unintentionally make someone upset, I will apologize as soon as I am aware of it because the longer it takes for me to apologize, the greater the impact or influence it will have on the person.

I’m a very loyal person, whether in a friendship or a relationship, and I know the importance of having loyal people in my life. I respect people, and I appreciate having the same respect returned. I am a firm and hard person. People who know me know that I take no shit and will not be messed around. I meant what I said, and when I’m done, I’m done. The people I keep in my life right now are the people who have my complete trust and confidence. These people add nothing but value to my life. I have no reason not to trust them, either, but if they betray that trust, that’s the end of it, so, I expect them to always be honest with me. People only have one chance to be in my life. Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever. I don’t do second chances. 

X, Hani.