I used to think self-love meant becoming completely independent, not caring what people thought and being perfectly happy on my own.
After living through it myself, I realised it’s much less glamorous than that.
Self-love is learning to take care of yourself, making better choices for your life, setting boundaries, accepting your mistakes and learning to enjoy your own company.
My journey started after the end of a toxic relationship. I had to learn how to rebuild my life without constantly looking for validation, attention or happiness from someone else.
It took time. There were plenty of ups and downs, and I definitely didn’t figure everything out overnight.
I still don’t have everything figured out. I don’t think anyone does.
What changed was the relationship I have with myself.
If you’re wondering where to start, these are some of the things that helped me.
✅ Spend Some Time Away From The Noise
The best thing you can do for yourself is sometimes step back.
That might mean taking a break from social media, spending less time around people who drain you or simply giving yourself more quiet time. You don’t have to disappear from everyone’s life or move to another country. You just need enough space to hear your own thoughts again.
When you’re constantly checking what other people are doing, keeping up with drama, replying to messages and worrying about what everyone thinks, it becomes difficult to pay attention to your own life.
I’ve always been quite comfortable being alone, so this part came naturally to me.
I deactivate my Instagram every few months when I notice that I’m spending too much time on it. I haven’t used Facebook in years, and I’ve never been interested in TikTok.
The less time I spend consuming other people’s lives, the more time I have for mine.
✅ Stop Making Other People’s Problems Your Problems
One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that not everything deserves my attention.
Not every relationship problem needs my involvement. Not every piece of drama needs my opinion. Some situations are better left alone.
Peace can come from simply thinking, “Not my problem.”
That doesn’t mean becoming cold or uncaring. You can care about people without carrying everything they are going through.
I stay away from gossip and unnecessary drama wherever I go. On WhatsApp, I mute people who often share toxic statuses because I don’t need to see everything happening in everyone else’s life. Instead, I spend more of my time listening to self-improvement podcasts and reading things that expand my knowledge. That’s actually how I developed an interest in subjects like astronomy and ancient history.
I’ve learned that protecting your peace isn’t about shutting everyone out. It’s about being more selective about what you allow into your mind.
Your attention is valuable. Spend it wisely.
✅ Learn To Enjoy Your Own Company
Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing.
One of the best things you can do for yourself is learn how to enjoy your own company. Go for a meal alone. Watch a movie. Take yourself shopping. Travel somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit.
It might feel awkward at first, especially if you’re used to having someone with you all the time.
Eventually, it becomes normal.
I started filling my time with things I genuinely enjoyed. I bought a keyboard and a guitar and started learning to play. I took an online videography course. I travelled solo. I spent time decorating my home and turning it into a place I actually enjoy coming back to.
The more comfortable I became with myself, the less I felt like I needed someone else to fill every empty space in my life.
✅ Invest In Yourself
Self-love isn’t just about positive thoughts. It can mean finally doing something you’ve been putting off for years.
Ask yourself what you’ve always wanted to improve. Maybe it’s your health, career, appearance, finances, home or education. Perhaps there’s something you’ve always wanted to learn. Whatever it is, stop waiting for the perfect time and start somewhere.
I’ve always wanted to fix my teeth, so I finally got braces in my 30s. I started taking better care of my skin and working with my aesthetic doctor on my acne and other skin concerns. I run regularly, along with doing yoga and Pilates, because I want to stay active and maintain my stamina for travelling.
I’ve made changes to my diet too. I stopped eating as much fast food and processed food, don’t drink soda and have reduced my sugar and dairy intake. I’m not trying to be perfect with what I eat. I simply want to make choices that make me feel better.
Investing in yourself doesn’t always mean spending a lot of money. Sometimes, it means giving yourself the time, effort and attention you’ve been giving everyone else.
I’ve never believed that spending time or money to improve yourself is a waste. If something makes you healthier, happier or more confident, it can be one of the most worthwhile things you do for yourself.
✅ Stop Living Your Life For Other People’s Approval
At some point, you have to accept that people will have opinions about you.
They might misunderstand you.
They might make assumptions.
They might not like the choices you make.
You can explain yourself a hundred times and still have no control over what someone else thinks.
That used to bother me more than it does now.
I don’t live my life trying to make everyone understand me anymore. I know who I am, I know what matters to me, and I know whose opinions genuinely matter in my life.
You don’t need everyone’s approval to be happy with the person you’ve become.
✅ Don’t Be Afraid Of Making Mistakes
Self-love doesn’t mean believing that you’ve done everything right.
You are going to make mistakes. I certainly have.
Some decisions will work out. Others won’t. You will trust the wrong person, make the wrong choice, say something you wish you hadn’t said or take a path that eventually turns out not to be for you.
That’s part of being human.
What matters is what you do afterwards.
Take responsibility when you’re wrong. Learn what you can. Make changes where necessary, then allow yourself to move forward.
A lot of the person I am today was shaped by things I once considered mistakes.
I don’t want to erase those experiences because they taught me things I couldn’t have learned any other way.
✅ Keep Your Mind Curious
Taking care of yourself isn’t only about your physical health. Your mind needs attention too.
Read something. Learn something. Watch a documentary. Listen to a podcast. Pick up a hobby. Learn about something completely unrelated to your work.
I’ve always enjoyed learning random things, and my interests have changed over the years. I can spend hours reading about travel, history, astronomy or something completely unexpected that happens to catch my attention.
I try not to spend all my free time scrolling on my phone either.
There is a big difference between filling your time and actually enjoying it.
✅ Be Kinder To Yourself
This might be the most important one.
You are going to have bad days.
You will lose motivation. You will make mistakes. You might go back to an old habit you thought you had already outgrown. You might compare yourself to someone else and wonder why your life doesn’t look like theirs.
Don’t turn one bad day into a reason to hate yourself.
Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you’re happy with yourself every single day. It means you don’t abandon yourself when things aren’t going well.
When I feel overwhelmed or frustrated, I usually go for a run, spend some quiet time alone or simply give myself a break.
You don’t always need to fix your entire life. You might simply need to rest and try again tomorrow.
You Don’t Have To Become A Completely Different Person
When I first started this journey, I thought I needed to become a stronger, more independent and completely unbothered version of myself.
Now I think it’s much simpler than that.
Listen to yourself. Know when something isn’t good for you. Choose people who treat you well. Take care of your body and protect your peace. Allow yourself to make mistakes without turning them into a reason to dislike who you are.
Your relationship with yourself will change throughout your life.
Some days you’ll feel confident. Other days you won’t.
Some days you’ll feel like you’ve figured everything out. Other days you’ll question every decision you’ve made.
That’s okay.
You don’t need a perfect self-love journey. You just need to keep showing up for yourself.
Start small. Do one thing today that makes your life a little better.
It might not feel like much at first, but those small choices add up.
One day, you’ll look back and realise that somewhere along the way, you became someone you genuinely enjoy being with.
Love,
Auri Duham 🌻
