For a long time, I thought dating was mostly about finding the right person.
Someone I could fall in love with, build a future with and eventually create a family with. I thought that was what dating was supposed to lead to, and like many people, I assumed I’d eventually reach that point too.
As I got older, I started looking at dating differently. I stopped seeing a relationship as something I needed to find in order to move on to the next stage of my life. I grew more comfortable being on my own, more certain about who I am and much clearer about the kind of life I want.
I’m no longer interested in being in a relationship simply because I want to have one. I’m more interested in who someone is, how he treats people, how we communicate, what kind of life he wants and whether our values actually fit.
I still want companionship, affection and someone to share life with. I still wouldn’t complain if someone wanted to carry that 10-kg bag of rice up to my 17th floor. Haha.
The difference is that I no longer see dating as a search for someone to complete the life I’m trying to build. I’ve already built a life I love.
So now, instead of asking, “When will I find someone?” I’m more interested in asking, “Who would actually make sense in the life I already have?”
And yes, I still believe in love.
✅ I Still Believe In Love, Even After Everything
I think my changing perspective on dating has made me more realistic about love, but it hasn’t made me cynical about it.
I’ve seen it in my own family. I’ve watched my parents build a life together, and I’ve seen my younger brother spend years with someone he genuinely loves before they decided to get married.
Those relationships showed me that love isn’t just about chemistry or the excitement at the beginning. It is about choosing each other, making an effort and continuing to show up when life isn’t particularly easy.
I’ve experienced that kind of love myself.
When I was 28, I entered a long-distance relationship with someone from Greece. We were around 15,000 kms apart, yet I never felt like the distance made me less important to him. We were together for almost 3 years. I knew what it felt like to have someone remain committed to you even when they couldn’t physically be there. There were months between seeing each other, which made every reunion feel special. Finally seeing someone you love at the airport after being apart for so long is a feeling I’ll never forget.
That relationship didn’t become my forever, but that doesn’t make what we had any less meaningful. It gave me some of my favourite memories and taught me a lot about loyalty, commitment and what it feels like to be genuinely cared for.
People often say that relationships that don’t last weren’t meant to be. I don’t see them that way anymore. Some relationships can be real, meaningful and important to your life without being the relationship you spend the rest of your life in.
That changed the way I think about love too.
I no longer measure the value of a relationship by whether it lasted forever. Sometimes, what mattered was that the love was real while you were in it and that it left something meaningful behind.
✅ I Don’t Blame My Past Relationships Anymore
I’ve made mistakes in relationships. I’ve made choices I wouldn’t make today, trusted people who hurt me and stayed in situations I eventually realised weren’t right for me.
Did I deserve everything that happened?
No.
I don’t want to spend my life carrying anger over things I can no longer change.
One of the biggest changes in me was understanding the difference between taking responsibility for my choices and blaming myself for everything that went wrong.
I started healing when I stopped asking, “Why did this happen to me?” and started asking, “What can I take from this?”
That simple change gave me a different way of looking at my past.
I became more aware of my boundaries, my values, the way I communicate and the kind of relationship I actually want. I became more honest about what I can accept, what I cannot and what I need from someone I’m building a future with.
The good things I brought into those relationships matter too. I believe I made a positive difference in the lives of the people I once loved, just as they left their own memories, lessons and experiences with me.
I don’t need to turn every past relationship into a mistake just because it ended.
Some relationships are part of your life for a season. They can matter deeply and still not be where your story ends.
I’ve made peace with that.
I can appreciate what was good, acknowledge what hurt me, and still move forward without carrying either one forever.
✅ My Dating Life In My 20s Was Very Different
I think I approached dating quite differently in my 20s.
In high school and my early 20s, I was quite popular, and people often assumed I’d get married young. I had relationships, I dated, and I met plenty of people, but I never really thought deeply about what I wanted from any of it.
The truth is, I don’t think I understood love properly at that age.
I was still figuring out who I was.
I hadn’t lived enough life to know what I needed from a partner, what kind of relationship suited me or even what kind of future I wanted for myself.
Dating back then was more about experiencing relationships than understanding what I was actually looking for.
That’s one reason I’m glad I didn’t rush into marriage.
My 20s were messy in plenty of ways, but they gave me room to make mistakes, meet different people, try different things, and slowly become more certain about who I wanted to be.
I don’t look at that version of myself and think she got everything right.
She didn’t.
She was still learning, and I’m glad I gave myself the time to grow instead of rushing into a life simply because it seemed like the next thing I was supposed to do.
✅ I’m Glad I Didn’t Marry Young
I used to think everyone should take their time before getting married.
I even felt that way when my younger brother got married at 24. I wanted him to enjoy his youth, experience more of life and take his time before settling down.
Then I realised something.
He was ready for a commitment that I wasn’t ready for at that age.
That doesn’t mean either of us was right or wrong. We were simply ready for different things at different points in our lives.
It made me realise how pointless it is to compare milestones. My brother getting married at 24 didn’t mean I was behind for not doing the same. Someone else’s relationship, marriage or family doesn’t tell me anything about where I should be in my own life.
I’m actually glad I didn’t marry young.
My 20s gave me time to experience life, make mistakes, figure myself out and become more certain about the kind of future I wanted.
I don’t think there’s a specific age when everyone is supposed to be ready for marriage. Some people know what they want early. Others need more time. Some may decide marriage isn’t for them at all.
I’ve stopped feeling the need to measure my life against anyone else’s.
People can follow the path that feels right for them, and I can follow mine without feeling like I’m late.
✅ I Care More About Being Understood Now
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become much clearer about what I actually look for in a man.
When I was younger, compliments about my appearance were exciting. Being called beautiful, cute or attractive felt flattering. Of course, it still feels nice to hear those things, but they don’t tell me much about whether someone would actually make a good partner.
I’m much more interested in whether someone wants to know me beyond what they see.
What shaped me? What makes me happy? What hurts me? What do I worry about? Why do I react to certain things the way I do?
I don’t expect someone to understand everything about me immediately. I don’t even need them to agree with me all the time.
I want someone who is willing to understand.
That means being curious about the person behind the reaction instead of simply judging the reaction itself.
Everyone has insecurities, difficult experiences, bad days and parts of themselves they are still figuring out. I have mine too.
I don’t want to be loved only when I’m easy to love. I want to feel safe enough to be completely myself, including the parts that aren’t always simple or easy to understand.
What matters to me now is being known, not simply admired.
✅ I Want A Best Friend, Not Just A Romantic Partner
That is probably why I don’t want to rush into romance anymore.
When someone shows romantic interest in me too quickly, my first instinct can still be to run.
Yes, literally run.
It’s probably not the most romantic reaction, but I value friendship too much to skip that part.
I want to know how someone treats people. I want to know how we communicate, how we laugh together and how comfortable we are when we’re simply spending time together.
I want to be able to be naturally funny and completely myself without constantly wondering how I’m being perceived.
The best relationships have friendship underneath them.
I’ve always liked the idea of someone becoming my best friend first. Not because I want to keep someone permanently in the “friend zone”, but because friendship gives two people the chance to know each other without immediately putting pressure on what the relationship is supposed to become.
I want to know someone properly before deciding what we could be.
How do we handle disagreements? Can we talk about things openly? Can we enjoy a boring Tuesday together? Can I be completely ridiculous around him and still feel comfortable?
Those things matter to me.
If something more develops from there, I’ll let it happen naturally. I don’t need to force a romantic connection before I know whether we actually enjoy being in each other’s lives.
✅ I’m Much More Selective About Who I Let Into My Life
That way of looking at relationships has made me more selective about the people I allow into my life, and that includes friendships.
I don’t want to spend hours talking to someone simply because I’m bored or because I enjoy the attention. My time and energy mean more to me now.
I care about shared values, good character, similar interests and the way someone approaches life.
Having his own goals and ambitions matters to me too, just as I have mine. Someone who takes responsibility for his own life instead of expecting me to manage it for him.
I’ve spent too many years building a life that I’m proud of to suddenly hand it over to someone else.
I don’t want someone to take over my life.
I want someone who fits into it.
There’s a difference.
I still want romance. I still want affection. I still want someone who remembers the little things, makes an effort, shows up and makes me feel cared for.
I just don’t want to give up the life I’ve built to have those things.
Being selective isn’t about expecting someone to be perfect. It’s about being more intentional about who I choose to let close.
✅ My Perspective On Dating Now
I think the biggest change is that I’m no longer looking for someone to complete my life.
My life is already full.
I have my work, my family, my friends, my travels, my writing, my home and all the little things that make me who I am.
I still want a relationship. I want someone I can laugh with, travel with, talk to at the end of a long day and build memories with. Someone who makes me feel safe without making me feel restricted.
I want to be able to be completely myself with someone, while still knowing that I can stand on my own.
That is the kind of relationship I want now. Not one that becomes my whole life, but one that has a meaningful place in the life I’ve already built.
If I meet that person, I won’t need him to change my life or complete it. I’ll simply want to share it with him.
Until then, I’m happy living the life I have.
Maybe that’s the biggest difference between the woman I was in my 20s and the woman I am now.
Back then, I wanted to find someone so I could build a life with him.
Now, I’ve built a life I love.
I don’t need someone to complete it.
I simply want someone who genuinely wants to be part of it.
Love,
Auri Duham🌻
