Jan 10, 2023 | Tuesday, 08:30 pm
I feel absolutely energetic today. After what seemed like an eternity, I finally managed to get enough sleep! Thank you to my exhausted brain and soul, lol. I went to bed at 5:30 p.m. yesterday and woke up this morning at 5:30 a.m. Yup, that’s right! I slept for 12 hours! Ok, wait; do not judge. My body really needed it. I didn’t sleep at all the night before, and I only slept for less than 2 hours the day before that. I thought my sleep pattern had improved—apparently not, but this time I know the reason why I couldn’t sleep: something on my mind had kept me awake all night, and I spent the entire night writing about it in my journal while listening to a playlist shared with me by my hottie friend, Nat. 😂 Oh, what would I do without him! He’s the ‘bestest’ best friend ever!
Jan 11, 2023 | Wednesday, 01:30 am
All right, where do I even begin? I’m doing my best to protect people’s privacy here. For this reason, each of my posts has a unique name that I can come up with. There have been a few posts where I casually mentioned someone’s real name, but those posts have already been edited by me.
For a couple of days, I’ve been turning to my close friends for their views on something that really matters to me. It’s funny though; I’m someone that most of my friends like to come to when they need advice, but when I’m dealing with something, I don’t seem to be able to rely on my own advice. It’s not that I don’t trust it; it’s just that in order for me to make a decision, I need to first hear from another person’s perspective to ensure that the choice I’m going to make is the best one. Now that I’m the most realistic one, I always make sure to get input from those who are more inclined to follow their hearts, as well as from those who are more experienced (like my mom), and from those who are willing to give me criticism. By bringing them all together, I am better able to see what options I have so that I can choose the one that is best for me. Personally, I find this method to be the most fulfilling in terms of decision-making.
I can’t share everything here, but I can share with you something that has made me a bit sad recently. I have a friend. Let’s say his name is Jay. I considered him one of my best friends. So, recently, he told me that he now has a girlfriend. To be completely honest, I am not surprised at all; I already expected this.
I’m not gonna lie—I like him and I’ve said it many times, but as much as I like him, I love our friendship more. Our friendship is precious to me as highly as Gollum’s obsession with the One Ring 🤣. Ok, that’s probably a bad example, haha, but anyway, I love having him as a friend. I love our connections, I love everything I remember about him and how we talk to each other and I love having him in my life. I’ve been alive for 30+ years, and I’ve never had a friend who I could talk to as I do with him—it’s easy, it’s free. It’s fun. Joking around with him just comes very naturally. This is what makes him so different from everyone else, and I believe he has no idea how much he means to me.
Now, here’s the thing: you probably think that I’m sad because I’m jealous of the fact that he now has a girlfriend. No, I’m not. I’m not sad because of that; I’m sad because of the realization that everything will change from now on. Of course, it will change! It has an impact on my emotions and how I see him. The way I talk to him won’t be the same anymore. There will be boundaries now, and I’m certain that I won’t be able to joke around and talk to him as much and as freely and as playfully as I used to. This! This! is what makes me sad because the connection I have with him, I don’t have with anyone else. As of right now, I’m starting to feel like I’m losing that. I’d rather think he doesn’t have a girlfriend and, like me, he’s single. I guess I’m selfish. I’m sorry; I hate it too.
Knowing that he is being honest and that he doesn’t want to keep any secrets from me means a lot to me. I greatly appreciate it. It proves his respect for me and his girlfriend, and I’m not wrong about trusting him, especially since I know he knows that I like him, but for some reason, I just wish he hadn’t told me that he now has a girlfriend. 😂😂😂 Urgh, it’s hard, I know! That ouwe rukker! Haha. I actually wanted to say a few things to him when he first told me about it, but I guess, I was too afraid of the response, so I avoided the conversation instead.
Still, I can’t deny that it’s a good thing that he informed me! Perhaps, I’m just not ready for the changes yet. I was too comfortable with the friendship. I also understand that I need to respect his relationship and the girl he’s with. I can’t freely bother him as much as I used to anymore because I wouldn’t wish for the same thing to happen to me if the situation were reversed.
Jan 12, 2023 | Thursday, 09:00 pm
Nothing, after all, lasts forever. Things change, stuff happens, and life goes on. 😊
Liking him doesn’t mean I want to pursue a romantic relationship with him. Realistically, it will never happen, but hey, dreaming is free. As I said, I love our friendship more. Now, I have to accept that things between us are going to change.
A friend of mine who I allowed to criticize me said,
“Meh, he is just some guy you talk to; you can always find another him.”
I only smiled when I heard that. I know I can always find another him, but I also know that I will never have the same connection that I have with him with anyone else. Every person that I keep in my life is unique. Every connection I have with people is not the same either: me and Nat, it’s different; me and Jay, it’s different. We are all singular, unique, fully individual instances of being. So, no, it will not be the same.
Anyway, at the end of the day, I hope he knows that even if we don’t talk as much as before and I don’t respond to him the same way I used to, he will always be a part of my life—I know I’ll be thinking about him a lot; it’s the only thing which I refuse to set boundaries. He’s the kind of friend, a very special friend, who no matter how long it’s been since we last talked, we can always pick up right where we left off. I’ll keep supporting him from the sidelines. When someone treats me nicely, like him, I only want the best for them and wish them to be happy.
I’m not ashamed of anything I have with him; I’m not ashamed of loving the friendship, I’m not ashamed of mentioning him in most of my recent posts, and I’m definitely not ashamed of the memories I’ve built with him over the past 1.25 years during our conversations. As everyone knows, I haven’t had a very positive attitude toward men for the past 3 years, but having him and Nat in my life shows that I can still accept men in my life, but NOT JUST ANY MAN. They are both amazing to me; I trust them and see no reason not to.
Nat better not tell me he now has a girlfriend too. 🤣
X, Hani ❤