My Biggest Lesson Of 2019: Never Betray Yourself For Someone You Love

As a woman, I feel deeply called to write this post—not for sympathy, but to help other women recognize the importance of self-worth. What I’m about to share is deeply personal.

At first, I was hesitant to open up because it felt too private. But my mother—wise and gentle—encouraged me to do so. “Use your pain to help others,” she said. So here I am, sharing my truth.

A few months ago, I went through a breakup with someone I thought was “the one.” I loved him with all my heart. I truly believed our story was going somewhere. I was truly heartbroken, but after everything ended, I came to a painful realisation that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him; it was losing me.

This experience was embarrassing. Humiliating. Raw. And it shattered me in ways I never imagined possible. It’s true that being a good person doesn’t mean people will treat you the same; having good intentions doesn’t mean you will get the same in return; and loving someone deeply doesn’t mean they’ll respect that love.

I learned this the hard way.

Looking back, I can see how my lack of self-worth allowed me to stay in a relationship that wasn’t healthy for me. I let my partner’s needs and desires take precedence over my own. It wasn’t until the breakup that I realized how much of myself I had lost.

So, here are the lessons I want you to know in hopes you don’t end up making the same mistakes I did.

✅ Never drop your values just to make someone stay in your life.

Everyone makes mistakes. Nobody’s perfect. We make mistakes, learn from them, be someone better, and don’t repeat them. When your partner makes a mistake, forgiveness can be a powerful tool for moving forward. However, if they repeat the same mistake, it is not a “mistake” anymore. It’s a choice. It’s a “mistake” to them because they got caught again.

There are 2 kinds of forgiveness, in my opinion: the kind where you forgive while also giving them another chance, and the kind where you forgive but move on without them. You need to use them both wisely. My mistake was that I dropped my value and forgave him for the same mistake twice.

I wish I had realized sooner that when someone isn’t being honest with you from the very beginning, they will keep lying to you.

✅ Love yourself the same amount of love you give to your partner.

Looking back, I see how I dimmed my light to make him shine brighter. I adjusted my boundaries, lowered my needs, and compromised who I was—just to keep him happy.

I tolerated his every action and lowered my needs based on what he could accept. I gave in a lot. My patience had reached an extreme level. I’m not saying that I was not happy with him. I was, for a while. His happiness was my happiness, but unfortunately, I didn’t get the same amount of love from him.

I wasn’t asking for much—just for him to match my energy, to show up, to care in the small, quiet ways. But eventually, I realized I was asking the wrong person. I always chose him, but he always chose himself.

✅ Once you realize you have given more than you received, leave.

Love should be mutual. Respect should be equal. A relationship should never require you to abandon yourself. Never lie to yourself to stay in the relationship just because you love him. I loved him so deeply that I forgot I needed the same amount of love, too. I tolerated him so much that I didn’t realize I was gradually lowering my value to his level. I was so loyal to him that I betrayed myself because I always wanted to believe him.

I forgave him again and again without knowing I was actually destroying myself. And I stayed… thinking my love would be enough to fix it.

✅ When they ignored you, completely ignored you, there is no such thing as needing space. Let go.

Do not force anything. When they are not mature enough to sit with you and fix the relationship, just f**king leave. Let go of the relationship. You’re both supposed to be on the same team. Not you against him or him against you. A strong relationship is supposed to survive hardship; you don’t let your partner face the hardship alone. You can’t be selfish. When you’re in a relationship, it’s not only about you anymore.

And we, as women, tend to write a long paragraph for him to read. My advice is: don’t. They don’t care. They don’t care about your feelings when they ignore you; what makes you think they care to read your long text? You need to realize what kind of woman you are. Don’t beg, don’t chase. A high-value woman doesn’t do such things. When you know what you bring to the table, it’s not your loss. It’s theirs.

✅ You don’t need closure as much as you think you do.

Some things are better left unsaid. I never had a chance to be heard by my ex. I moved on from the unfairness that happened to me. It was hard, indeed. I was resentful, I held a grudge, and I was angry. Everything I knew changed in a single day. I felt humiliated, and I needed to learn to accept the apology I never received. My ex and his mom expected me to keep my emotions for later (like I was some kind of robot) after all the hurtful things they did to me.

As I heal myself from the trauma, I keep reminding myself that I am not what they did to me. I am not the pain that they caused me. I am a hero who endured the struggle, and I’m proud of it. I wish they would heal so they wouldn’t do the same to others. The closure? I believe karma will hit them someday.

✅ Humans are not perfect, but there’s always someone better for you out there.

When I was in a relationship, I always had this belief that I needed to adapt to the person I was currently dating. It was the wrong idea, though. You can’t replace negative behaviors and adapt them with positive thoughts. You only teach them to keep treating you poorly when you do this.

Stick to who you are; when it’s not okay, then it’s not okay. If you feel angry, you are entitled to feel angry. Your feelings are valid. Never apologize for that. Never leave any space for them to manipulate you. If you think you deserve better, then you deserve better.

✅ Always trust your guts.

One of the most important things in a relationship is trust. I don’t believe in controlling my partner. He’s free to do anything he wants with his life. His choices and actions will show me how important I am to him. But, at the same time, I have strong gut feelings too. Every time I have weird feelings about something, I am never wrong about them. For example, I hate checking my partner’s phone. I don’t do this often, but once my gut is telling me to do it, I do it anyway. That’s how I caught my ex cheating on me.

Just remember that people are scared when they have something to hide. Never let your partner bullshit you about trust when they can’t even trust you to hold their phone.

✅ Don’t rush into a relationship. Let him earn your trust.

I jumped into a serious relationship with him after a month of knowing each other. I dated him after our 2nd date (which was a day after our 1st date). I know, right? What the hell was I thinking? I was so caught up in the idea of being with him that I ignored all the red flags. I guess I can blame myself for this. Let a man earn your trust first. That way, maybe they will appreciate you more.

Also, keep in mind that everything in our lives is changing. Always look at the 10% of the recent phase of the relationship, not at the beginning of the relationship, where everything was still beautiful. Men, once they get you, they stop doing what it takes to get you. Consistency is very important. Don’t ignore your needs.

✅ Don’t be scared to be the one who walks away. Don’t water a dead flower.

When we love someone, we tend to wait for them. We want to save the relationship, even though we have seen the signs. Most of the time, deep in our hearts, we already know the answer, but our mind tricks us into believing something we want to believe.

Listen, don’t fall in love with potential. Don’t fight for it. Who someone “could be” still doesn’t change who they are. Be more afraid of losing time than losing someone who won’t fight for us. I made mistakes by being the only person who cared to fix the relationship. It was stupid of me, but a lesson learned. I deserve someone who is willing to fight with me, not the opposite.

And last but not least, to all the women reading this—no matter your background, your story, or your past—know this: Be strong. Be brave. Be independent. Get used to doing things alone, not because you want to be alone forever, but because you should never feel helpless if someone walks away. You never know what will happen to you in the future.

In one of my darkest moments, I was left wandering alone in a foreign country, nearly at nightfall, without any sympathy. I had nowhere to go. I was treated unfairly. I was blamed for things I didn’t do, and once I got affected by it, I got humiliated and was blamed for not being able to keep my emotions. Imagine if this happened to you. Would you survive? Life is unfair. Just know that.

Protect your peace. Guard your heart. And when love asks you to forget who you are, it’s not love.