As a woman, I feel deeply called to write this post. Not for sympathy, but because I hope my experience can help other women understand the importance of self-worth. What I’m about to share is deeply personal.
At first, I was hesitant to open up because it felt too private. My mother, wise and gentle as always, encouraged me to share it. “Use your pain to help others,” she said. So here I am, sharing my truth.
A few months ago, I went through a breakup with someone I thought was the one. I loved him deeply and truly believed our story was going somewhere.
I was wrong.
What followed was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Looking back now, I realize the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him. It was losing me.
I had spent so much of the relationship putting his needs, feelings, and desires before my own that I barely recognized myself anymore.
The experience was embarrassing. Humiliating. Painful in ways I never imagined.
Having pure intentions doesn’t guarantee you’ll receive the same in return. Loving someone deeply doesn’t mean they’ll honor that love either. Kindness isn’t always mirrored, and love isn’t always learned.
I learned this the hard way.
So, here are the lessons I want you to know, in the hope that you won’t end up making the same mistakes I did.
✅ Never drop your values just to make someone stay in your life.
Everyone makes mistakes. Nobody is perfect. We make mistakes, learn from them, become better, and try not to repeat them.
When your partner makes a mistake, forgiveness can be a powerful part of moving forward. However, when the same mistake keeps happening, it stops being a mistake. It becomes a choice. At that point, calling it a mistake only makes it easier to excuse their behavior. Perhaps it is only a “mistake” to them because they got caught again.
In my opinion, there are two kinds of forgiveness. There is the kind where you forgive someone and choose to give them another chance. Then there is the kind where you forgive someone while choosing to move forward without them.
You need to know when to offer each one.
My mistake was compromising my own values and forgiving him for the same mistake twice. I kept giving him another chance because I believed that things would eventually change.
I wish I had realized sooner that when someone chooses to be dishonest with you from the very beginning, you cannot build a healthy relationship by constantly giving them chances to become honest.
Forgiveness does not always mean giving someone another opportunity to hurt you. Sometimes, forgiveness means accepting what happened, letting go, and choosing yourself.
✅ Love yourself the same amount of love you give to your partner.
Looking back, I can see how I dimmed my light to make him shine brighter. I adjusted my boundaries, lowered my needs, and compromised parts of who I was just to keep him happy.
I tolerated things I shouldn’t have and kept lowering my expectations based on what he was willing to give. I gave in a lot. My patience had reached an unhealthy level.
I’m not saying I was never happy with him. I was, for a while. His happiness became my happiness, but unfortunately, I didn’t receive that same kind of love in return.
I wasn’t asking for much. I just wanted him to match my energy, to show up for me, and to care in the small, quiet ways that matter. Eventually, I realized I was asking the wrong person.
I always chose him, but he always chose himself.
✅ Once you realize you have given more than you received, leave.
Love should be mutual. Respect should be equal. A relationship should never require you to abandon yourself.
Never lie to yourself just to stay in a relationship because you love someone. I loved him so deeply that I forgot I needed to be loved just as deeply in return. I tolerated more than I should have, slowly lowering my own standards just to make the relationship work.
I was so loyal to him that I ended up betraying myself because I always wanted to believe him.
I forgave him again and again, thinking that forgiveness would eventually make things better. I stayed because I believed my love could somehow fix what was broken.
It couldn’t.
Love cannot fix what the other person has no intention of changing.
✅ When someone completely ignores you, stop making excuses for them. Let go.
Do not force anything. When someone is not mature enough to sit down with you and work through the problems in the relationship, you have to ask yourself why you are still fighting so hard to keep it alive.
You are supposed to be on the same team. It should never be you against him or him against you. A strong relationship is supposed to survive hardship together. You don’t leave your partner to face the hardship alone.
A relationship cannot always be about what one person wants or needs. You have to consider each other, especially when things get difficult.
As women, we also have a tendency to write long paragraphs when we feel hurt, hoping they will finally understand how much they have hurt us. I did it too.
My advice is simple: don’t.
When someone is deliberately ignoring you, you do not need to write an essay explaining why their silence is hurting you. If they cared enough to understand your feelings, they would not need a five-paragraph message to know that ignoring you is painful.
At some point, you need to stop explaining your worth to someone who has already shown you how little they value it.
Don’t beg. Don’t chase. Don’t keep trying to convince someone to choose you.
Know what you bring to the table. When you have given someone your love, loyalty, patience, and everything you could, walking away is not your loss. It’s theirs.
✅ You don’t need closure as much as you think you do.
Some things are better left unsaid.
I never had the chance to be heard by my ex. I had to move on from the unfairness of what happened to me without getting the explanation, accountability, or apology I deserved.
It was hard. I was resentful. I held a grudge. I was angry. Everything I knew changed in a single day. I felt humiliated, and I had to learn how to accept an apology I was never going to receive.
My ex and his mother expected me to put my emotions aside and deal with them later, as if I could simply switch off my feelings after everything that had happened.
As I continue healing, I keep reminding myself that I am not what they did to me. I am not the pain they caused me.
I am the woman who endured it, survived it, and chose to keep going. I am proud of myself for that.
I hope they heal too. Not for me, but so they don’t carry the same behavior into someone else’s life and hurt another person the way they hurt me.
As for closure, I no longer need it from them.
I believe life has a way of giving people exactly what they deserve.
✅ Humans are not perfect, but there is always someone better suited for you.
When I was in a relationship, I always believed I needed to adapt to the person I was dating. I thought accepting their flaws and adjusting myself was part of making a relationship work.
I was wrong.
You cannot turn someone’s negative behavior into something positive simply by changing the way you respond to it. When you constantly tolerate poor treatment, you are not helping someone become a better partner. You are teaching them that they can keep treating you that way because you will keep accepting it.
Stay true to who you are. When it’s not okay, then it’s not okay.
If you feel angry, you are entitled to feel angry. If something hurts you, you are allowed to say that it hurts. Your feelings are valid, and you should never have to apologize for having them.
Never leave room for someone to manipulate you into questioning your own feelings. Don’t let someone convince you that you’re asking for too much simply because they are unwilling to give you what you need.
If you believe you deserve better, you deserve better.
You don’t have to keep changing yourself to fit someone else’s idea of what a relationship should be. The right person won’t require you to lose yourself just to keep them.
✅ Always trust your guts.
One of the most important things in a relationship is trust. I don’t believe in controlling my partner. He is free to live his life and make his own choices. His choices and actions will show me how important I am to him.
At the same time, I believe in trusting my own instincts.
I don’t like checking my partner’s phone. I believe everyone deserves their own privacy, and I don’t want to be the kind of person who constantly feels the need to investigate. However, when something feels off and my gut keeps telling me that I need to look deeper, I pay attention.
That instinct once led me to check my ex’s phone, and that’s how I caught him cheating on me.
I wish I had trusted myself sooner.
Sometimes, your gut notices things before your mind is ready to accept them.
You don’t need to control your partner to know when something isn’t right. Pay attention to changes in their behavior, inconsistencies in their stories, and the way they suddenly become protective of things they were once comfortable sharing.
People who have nothing to hide generally don’t need to make you feel guilty for asking reasonable questions.
So don’t let someone manipulate you into thinking that your concerns are automatically a lack of trust. Trust goes both ways. If someone expects you to trust them, they should also be comfortable trusting you.
✅ Don’t rush into a relationship. Let him earn your trust.
I jumped into a serious relationship with him after knowing him for only a month. I agreed to date him after our second date, which happened just a day after our first.
I know, right? What the hell was I thinking?
I was so caught up in the excitement of being with him that I ignored the red flags. I wanted the relationship to work so badly that I convinced myself the things that bothered me weren’t important.
Looking back, I take responsibility for that.
Let someone earn your trust before you give them all of it. Take your time getting to know who they really are, not just who they are when they’re trying to impress you. Give yourself enough time to see how they behave when the excitement fades, when things get difficult, and when they no longer feel like they have something to prove.
One thing I have learned is that relationships change. The person you met at the beginning may not be the same person you are dealing with months or years later.
That’s why I believe you should pay attention to the most recent phase of your relationship, not keep holding onto the version of someone you met at the beginning when everything was still beautiful.
A beautiful beginning does not guarantee a beautiful relationship.
Someone can be incredibly attentive while trying to win you over. What matters is what they continue to do after they know they have you.
Consistency is important.
Don’t ignore your needs just because someone used to meet them. Don’t excuse changes in their behavior just because you remember how good they were in the beginning.
Pay attention to who they are now.
✅ Don’t be scared to be the one who walks away. Don’t water a dead flower.
When we love someone, we tend to wait for them. We keep hoping things will change. We want to save the relationship even when we’ve already seen the signs that it’s falling apart.
Most of the time, deep down, we already know the answer. Our minds simply find ways to convince us to believe what our hearts want to believe.
Listen to me: don’t fall in love with someone’s potential. Don’t fight for the person you hope they will become. Who someone could be does not change who they are right now.
Be more afraid of losing time than losing someone who isn’t willing to fight for you.
I made the mistake of becoming the only person trying to fix our relationship. I kept holding on, trying harder, and hoping that my effort would eventually make him care enough to do the same.
It didn’t.
I had to learn that a relationship cannot be saved by one person alone. You deserve someone who is willing to fight alongside you, communicate with you, and work through difficult times with you.
Don’t be afraid to walk away from something that is already dead. You deserve a relationship that is alive, mutual, and worth fighting for.
Final Thoughts
And last but not least, to all the women reading this, no matter your background, your story, or your past, know this:
Be strong. Be brave. Be independent.
Learn to be comfortable doing things on your own, not because you want to be alone forever, but because you should never feel helpless when someone walks away. You never know what life may put you through.
In one of the darkest moments of my life, I was left wandering alone in a foreign country, almost at nightfall, without a place to go and without anyone showing me any sympathy. I was treated unfairly. I was blamed for things I didn’t do. When the situation affected me emotionally, I was humiliated and then blamed for not being able to control my emotions.
It was one of those moments that made me realize how quickly everything can change.
Life is unfair. People can disappoint you. Someone you trusted with your heart can become the very person who makes you question your own worth.
That is why you need to learn how to stand on your own.
Protect your peace. Guard your heart. Know your worth. Never abandon yourself just to keep someone else in your life.
When love asks you to forget who you are, it isn’t love.
Love,
Auri Duham 🌻
