Despite the fact that I love being in my 30s, I must admit that I am terrified of aging. This is something I cannot deny. Recently, I talked to a friend about it, and we were able to relate to each other’s experiences because we are both in our 30s (she’s a year younger than me); however, she went through a divorce when she was in her mid-20s and has been single ever since. Although I’ve never been married, my last relationship experiences are quite similar to hers, and I can see why the two of us click so well. Apart from talking about relationships, we spend much of the day talking about how our physical appearances have changed over the years.
As we talked, she looked at herself in the mirror and said:
“I feel like my face is becoming square,” she sighs.
“No, it’s not! but you know what, I feel the same way about myself too,” I said as I compared her face to mine in the mirror.
Ok, trust me, she’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met, but now that she’s in her 30s, she is so self-conscious that she barely wants to take or post photos of herself. I can’t blame her. I feel exactly the same. I try to avoid having my photo taken with anyone or by anyone with their camera. Even if they did, they would need my permission to post it. I was not like that when I was in my 20s. You can see how frequently I shared photos of myself smiling at the camera, but now I try not to look directly at the camera to show my face. If you see any of my photos now that look directly at the camera, just know that it happened after a lot of convincing and thousands of photos were taken until I was finally satisfied with the result. It requires a lot of patience because I now believe I’m not photogenic. 😩
I once showed my mom a picture of myself with a group of friends where I wasn’t looking at the camera. She complained about it, and said I should stop hiding my face. I said,
“I just don’t like having my photo taken anymore.”
to which she replied,
“It’s not like you don’t like it, but because you believe you’re not pretty anymore. I’m your mother. I know you very well”
I sent her my selfie, accompanied by a sad emoji, and said,
“Look at my face; it looks square now.”
She instantly responded to me with a photo of John Cena and said,
“John Cena has a square face. He’s handsome” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
At that point, I don’t know whether I want to cry or laugh. Haha.
During my facial treatment, I brought up the topic of a square face to my aesthetic doctor. I asked her,
“Why does it feel like my face is becoming square as I get older?”
She responded, “It looks round to me rather than square,” while simultaneously massaging my cheeks up to my forehead and examining my jaw.
“We gradually lose collagen and elasticity as we age. For this reason, face shape changes over time.” She said.
As she was about to continue, I cut in and said, “Oh, I thought because I gained some weight?”
She gave me a warm smile, and she went on, “No. Some people believe that gaining weight makes their faces look bigger, but this is not the case. Look at you. You are thin.”
“As you lose collagen and elasticity, fat from the forehead moves down to the cheek.” She continued to explain as she gently tapped my forehead,
“Since fat accumulates in the cheeks, your face may look rounder than before. If you are too bothered with it, you can get a HIFU facial treatment here to lift your face. I can do injections as well if you are comfortable with needles, but I think your face looks perfect as it is. You have already had Pico laser treatment and have been doing collagen induction therapy (CIT) for a while now. Just maintain the treatments to slow down the aging process.”
She then asked about my age, and when I told her, she replied, “Did you know you look younger than your age? I’d have guessed you’re between the ages of 26 and 27. Good job”
That put a smile on my smile. I told her I’d never do injections because I’m afraid of needles. I’ll consider getting a HIFU facial treatment, but for the time being, I’ll stick to collagen induction therapy (CIT). My skin has improved significantly since receiving the treatment a year ago.
So here’s the thing: accepting change is never easy for me, but I know it is unavoidable, and I must embrace it positively. Just like my weight, I hate that I have put on some weight to finally have a good body shape, but at the same time, I secretly crave the skinny body I used to have that I’ve lived with for the majority of my life. Everyone else thinks I look much better and healthier, but it’s not that simple for me, especially now that I know how it feels to not fit into the outfits I want to wear. I’ve never had a problem like this before in my life, so it’s a daily battle to convince myself that I’m not fat, that I’m just so used to the body that I had before, which was skinny.
I place a high priority on appearance. I like to look attractive, sexy, and presentable, and I take excellent care of myself. I am aware of the fact that, ultimately, what matters is that I love and accept myself exactly as I am. I must be overly critical of myself, but that’s just how I am since I always strive for perfection. Thankfully, I have supportive friends and family who are always there to counteract my negative self-talk with uplifting compliments. It indeed helps me become more accepting of change and less afraid of aging.
“From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes” – X, Hani. ❤