I spent the majority of my life being skinny. I never had a weight that was more than 48 kg as a teenager, and it stayed that way until I was in my mid-20s. It seemed as though my weight froze at that number for a long time, but, despite being underweight, I was perfectly healthy—I ate a lot, was active, and strictly maintained a healthy lifestyle. I first noticed that I was beginning to gradually put on weight when I was in my late 20s, and by the time my weight reached 52 kg, the weight froze again for a few years. My BMI showed that I was still underweight; other than that, I was in good health.
Honestly, despite people constantly telling me I looked too skinny and sick, I was very proud of and happy with my body. Unlike most people, I was fortunate enough to maintain the same weight regardless of how much I ate, but because of the constant criticism I received for my skinny body, I tried to gain weight by taking a weight-gain product.
I had successfully brought my weight up to 62 kg, by the time I was in my early 30s. People began to compliment me on how much better I looked. I was happy because I didn’t notice much change in my body. Unfortunately, my weight dropped drastically to 56 kg in just 8 months during a terrible relationship I had in 2019, and my weight dropped another 4 kilos after the relationship ended, leaving me at 52 kg. I experienced a total weight loss of 10 kg in a single year due to the impact the relationship had on me.
I began to rebuild myself during the lockdown. Somehow, the lockdown happened at the most perfect time. I desperately needed more time to myself, free of distractions, to reflect deeply on various aspects of my life, including myself. I wanted less of everything: less work, less stress, less noise, less human interaction, and less of what this world had to offer. It truly felt like I had a divine intervention on my side during that time.
“All right, Hani, I’ll make up for what happened to you by unleashing a global pandemic as punishment for everyone. You have exactly two years to pick yourself back up and get your life back on track.” – God
Welp, at the same time, I’ve lost two years of my life. 🤣
Over the course of those two years, I engaged in a lot of self-reflection to gain a deeper understanding of myself. I acknowledge that I made both positive and negative choices, but I have no regrets. While I may not be entirely pleased with certain revelations about myself or some of the negative actions I took, at least, I can say that I have come to terms with everything there is to know about who I am.
Because of the large amount of time I had during a lockdown, I was able to fully focus on myself and regain the weight I had lost. In fact, I gained more than 62 kg. Through regular practice of yoga, running, and meditation, my body underwent gradual transformations, developing new shapes and curves. While others were pleased with the changes, I personally didn’t feel thrilled about them; however, since I still fit into a size S, the changes had minimal impact on me. I wasn’t really thinking about it.
In recent months, my clothing size changed from an S to an M. With the exception of shirts, I found that I could no longer fit into any of my size S clothes. I became extremely anxious, and things have been going downhill since. Hearing people say, ‘You’ve gained weight,’ feels like a bullet was fired directly into my chest. I’d rather no one say anything about it.
I met everyone’s expectations when I gained weight, as they see it, I appear a lot healthier and look better when I have curves.
“Maintain your body the same way it is now,” they said.
But here’s what they don’t know—well, actually, none of the people around me know (except, Nat),
I’m fighting with myself, convinced that I’m fat.
In the past, I never comprehended how someone could perceive themselves as fat despite not being so,
“How can these people believe they’re fat?” I asked myself.
Back then, I couldn’t understand how people could be anorexic or have eating disorders.
Now I understand. It’s all linked to your mental state. It’s something that not everyone grasps until they themselves experience it and it should not be a subject of mockery in any manner.
I look at my body in the mirror more often than I used to, and every time I do, I’m never happy with what I see. I feel disappointed. Checking my weight becomes an obsession as I try to make sure I’m only losing weight and not gaining any. Now I try to limit myself to one meal a day, and whenever I get hungry, I drink water instead. I’ve done water fasting (I drank nothing but water) for days, and I believe I will do it again. I’ve also started to buy fewer groceries, so I have less food in my kitchen and eat less. I now realize how much fear I have of getting fat. Ok, please understand that I’m not fat-shaming anyone here. I don’t care about other people. This is about me and my fear. I miss how I used to look when I was skinny. I want to get that body back.
I’m at the point where I looked up on Google “how to become bulimic” a day ago. That’s how severe my current position is.
The irony is that
I was completely healthy and happy when I was skinny, but people weren’t happy seeing me that way—they were constantly criticizing me.
Now that I’ve put on some weight, I’ve satisfied everyone’s eyes and made everyone happy, but I, who own this body, am completely unhappy with the change and clearly unhealthy.