Situationship: The Undefined Relationship “What Are We?”

Have you ever found yourself in the dreaded “Situationship” zone? You know, that place where you’re more than friends but not quite lovers, and there’s no real commitment? It can happen anywhere, whether you meet someone online, in person, or through mutual friends. And while it can be exciting to have a connection with someone without any pressure to decide on your status, it can also be confusing, frustrating, and downright exhausting.

It’s like being in a relationship, but not really. You want security and commitment, but the other person just can’t seem to give it to you. It’s like they’re holding onto you, but they won’t fully commit. And when you start to develop stronger feelings, things can get even more confusing and hurtful.

If you’re in this kind of situation, just know that you’re not alone. It’s tough when you’re head over heels for someone, but they can’t give you the security you need. You might start to wonder, “Should I stay or should I go?” And while the answer isn’t always clear, one thing is for sure – the longer you stay in a Situationship, the more it can hurt.

I remember being in a ‘Situationship’ a few years ago, and let me tell you, it was one of the most frustrating and confusing experiences of my dating life. We had a strong connection, but every time I tried to define our relationship, he’d give me vague answers or dodge the question altogether. It was like he wanted to keep me around, but wasn’t ready to commit. And after a few months of this back and forth, I realized that I was wasting my time and energy on someone who couldn’t give me what I wanted. 

How did I get into Situationship? 

To keep it short, we hit it off right away when we met. It was crazy how much we had in common—we were born in the same month and the same week. Physically, he was everything I look for in a guy—tall, fit, stylish, and just downright attractive. And he had an impressive career and traveled a lot too, which I found so cool. We even shared the same hobbies and interests—he wrote me a poem because he knew I loved poetry, and we made a “things to do” list together. We texted each other every day, sending good morning and good night texts without fail. And we talked on the phone at least once a week, sending voice messages back and forth. Whenever he was busy, he always made it up to me and knew exactly how to make me feel better when I was upset. He treated me like a queen and called me his soulmate—can you blame me for falling head over heels? I mean, who wouldn’t want a guy like that in their life?

The bad news, nothing last forever. 

As time passed, we started talking less and less. At first, he said he was busy with his exams, then with a fundraising event, then with work, and the last time we spoke, he was busy renovating his newly-bought house. I never complained about him being busy, though. I understand how hectic life can be. As long as he let me know in advance that he would be busy and get back to me when he was done, I was fine with it.

What I appreciated about him was that he was apologetic. I did wonder if being busy was just his excuse, but whenever he apologized, he took the time to explain every little thing to me. He reminded me that he never lost interest in me and was always aware of my feelings, even when I didn’t say anything. It seemed like he genuinely cared about me. I tried my best to make things better between us, but as time passed, we grew more distant. I wanted us to change for the better, but unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be.

The red flags.

Red flags were waving, and I couldn’t ignore them anymore. Despite all the good things he did, I was always left with uncertainty. We weren’t officially in a relationship, but we weren’t just friends either. He never showed interest in my social media, which is strange because most guys would want to follow someone they are interested in. I discovered his social media profile myself, but when I asked him about it, he changed the subject. He also refused to share his home address when I wanted to send him something from Malaysia. On Valentine’s Day, I received wishes from other guys, but not from him. It wasn’t a big deal, but it was odd nonetheless. These were red flags that I couldn’t ignore.

How did it end?

In the end, it was his decision to call it quits. We had been together in whatever way for almost a year, and while his decision to end things hurt, it also brought a sense of relief. I had been patient with the situation for too long, as I tend to be very loyal to someone I like. I don’t believe in jumping ship at the first sign of trouble. I dunno if it is a good trait or not. 

While I didn’t agree with all of his reasons, I knew it was the right call. It wasn’t the first time though, I walked away from him once. The difference was, we reconnected because I was weak and not ready to lose him. Somehow it was much easier for me to move on when the decision came from him. I was glad he was mature enough to end things with closure, as nowadays people often choose the easier option of ghosting each other. At least he respected my feelings. My response was a simple “Ok, wish you nothing but the best.” Then, I deleted his number, our conversations, and his photos. What we had, good or bad, didn’t matter anymore. At some point in time, this was something that I wanted, something that I decided to invest in. 

Was it easy to move on from him? 

Moving on from him wasn’t easy. When you invest so much time and energy into someone, even without being in a relationship, the pain is similar to that of a breakup. It took me a long time to completely let go of my feelings because I genuinely liked him. It’s crazy, right? He was living rent-free in my head, but eventually, my mind learned to live with it. I never reached out to him, not even as a friend. We had our moments, but I had to accept that it was over. All the energy I gave him, all my time and emotions—they were just gone, and there was nothing I could do about it. He was never really mine and never “a friend”, to even begin with. Do I want him back someday? I don’t know, I can’t predict the future. What I do know is I rather open the door to give a chance to another guy. Once I close the door on someone who isn’t sure about me, I close it forever. My worth doesn’t decrease based on someone else’s inability to see it.

The conclusion.

Was he sincere? I don’t know. What I do know, an undefined relationship is not healthy. It can mess with your well-being and mental health. It works for some people but for those who are monogamous, this is not something you wanna get involved in. To those who have the same experience, we all know how much it stings us. If you still holding onto it, please let it go. No matter how much we want something to work, let go of people or situations that don’t serve us anymore. Sometimes, love can exist more in our heads than in our hearts. The truth is that we can fall for someone’s potential as easily as we can for their reality, but that feeling isn’t really love; it’s attachment, projection, and hope. Ultimately, you cannot be in a relationship with the idea of someone.

If you find yourself in a Situationship, take a step back and evaluate whether it’s really worth your time and energy. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, and don’t be afraid to walk away and focus on finding someone who is ready and willing to give you the commitment and security you need.

My advice to anyone in a similar situation is to be honest with yourself about what you want and need in a relationship. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, and don’t be afraid to let go of someone who can’t give you the love and commitment you crave.

And finally, I would say, embrace your emotions. Sometimes, the only way to really move on, is to acknowledge that there are some not-so-nice feelings that came out of an experience or any relationship, and by doing that, indirectly, you learn a lesson and you are able to move on. A relationship is here to either stay or to teach you a valuable lesson in life. Nothing is a waste of time.

Much love! 

X. Hani. 

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